Now, here is a topic close to everyone’s heart. Who hasn’t? I bet most of you experienced office romance or at least flirtation at some point during your working lives.
Why is it so appealing and even predictable? Well, an average Brit spends about one third of their waking hours working. That’s just official average data, as many professionals carry on working, reading emails and/or browsing industry updates outside these hours – you know who you are!
These are the most common and apparent reasons why people get involved with co-workers…
1. You genuinely have a lot in common...
Whether you have bonded over law, printing, dogfood, or whatever your industry is, it represents a significant part of your life. Even if you aren’t passionate about what you do and view it as “just a job”, you are still likely to find mutual understanding. Sharing a rant about your other (less attractive) colleagues or your new mean boss, for example. There aren’t many things in life we enjoy more than uniting against a common adversary.
You really get each other and can practically finish each other’s sentences. In a stressful situation, you don’t have to use a thousand words to describe what happened as you would when talking to an outsider. You understand all the nuances of your business and how it affects your lives.
2. Seeing and talking to each other regularly...
In psychology, the mere exposure effect describes our tendency to develop preferences for people simply because we're familiar with them. For that reason, you come to trust each other more than the outsiders and lay a sympathetic foundation for a potential romance.
Many people have a “work spouse”, which does have its advantages as you're more likely to enjoy your job, feel more inspired to succeed and cope with stressful situations more easily. The term suggests such relationships are platonic, but they don’t always stay that way.
3. You are presented with an opportunity...
Although things have changed since COVID-19, and more and more people work remotely and favour video conferencing over face-to-face meetings, some company gatherings, industry or networking events are still inevitable.
When you find yourself away from home, chatting away over a meal or a few drinks, you can't help but feel closer to your colleagues, and become even chummier with your favourite peers.
Needless to say, alcohol traditionally plays a part. “It disinhibits. It breaks down the set of constrains that hold our behaviour in check… The myopia theory suggests that alcohol’s principle effect is to narrow our emotional and mental fields of vision…* This is when one thing leads to another, as they say.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Whatever your answer is, keep reading to discover why workplace or office romance isn’t always a great idea in case you’re tempted in future...
1. There is a huge difference between a romantic liaison, however intense, and a happy, lasting relationship. The latter requires more components to become a success, such as emotional compatibility, alignment on goals and key life values, and finally, readiness to commit and invest in a potential relationship in every way.
However, since bonding through work creates such a strong connection, as described above, it is often glorified and mistaken for an indication of a “happily ever after”.
Whilst this connection is valid and rewarding, it does not, in any way, predict the longevity or the health of a potential relationship. What does predict a positive outcome is sharing core life values, which define you as an individual, and your career is only one of a few.
“Sharing a similar perspective or set of experiences – like views on money, religion or how you raise children – makes it easier for couples to see each other’s point of view and to understand each other’s feelings better. If you and your mate-to-be aren’t compatible on life values, think long and hard before taking a walk down the aisle”. *
2. If you get involved with a colleague or an industry peer, you risk work taking over your life, especially if you find it difficult to switch off outside business hours. When there is no escape, your permanent “immersion” might eventually do you a disservice. What seemed charming and appealing before, is likely to become suffocating, dull and repetitive. No more news or stories to share, nothing new to learn as you would from a partner who comes from another company or a different industry. Again, consider the long-term picture.
3. Inevitably, your professional relationship will be affected, and not always in a good way. It's fine as long as everything is going smoothly, but if you happen to have an argument outside work, you need to possess nerves of steel to manage your professional commitments in a neutral manner. On the contrary, a hiccup at work might turn into a very personal issue for both sides.
Now, what if your romance doesn’t last and doesn’t end amicably? This has the potential to get ugly and damage your career. You’re going to be stuck with each other until one of you gets a transfer or finds alternative employment.
If you’re employed, your company is likely to have a respective policy, so do check if there is a requirement to disclose a personal relationship and find out about possible consequences.
Click here to look through my other blogs covering various relationship and dating advice for singles: which questions to ask before committing to a partner, how to avoid toxic relationships and many more.
There is no right or wrong: workplace romance can either turn into a success story you tell your grandchildren or a complete disaster. However, it’s significantly less likely to be the latter if you keep the aforementioned points in mind and tread carefully. If you're unsure and need a qualified, unbiased opinion, please get in touch and book a free confidential 30-min discover call here.
Good luck,
Mila Smith
Founder of “From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consultancy
Email: mila@single-to-couple.com
* “Talking to Strangers” by Malcolm Gladwell
** “Finding Love Again” by Terri Orbuch, PhD