Mila Smith - Founder of
Relationship Advice A-Z: Love, Dating & Healthy Relationships
Research-based relationship and dating advice for singles and couples
Modern dating and relationships are complicated. We expect more from our relationships than ever before, yet many of us feel more disconnected than ever before.
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That’s why I created this A - Z guide covering common questions about dating, love and relationships with practical, science-backed insights to help you make healthier choices in love.
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I’m Mila Smith, certified Relationship & Dating Coach and founder of From Single to Couple.
"A" - Attraction: Can attraction grow over time?
Yes. Attraction is not always instant, and you may not feel the elusive “spark” immediately. Attraction can grow as a relationship develops and we uncover more of someone’s personality, values, character and the qualities that make them attractive to us.
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Instant attraction is often seen as the foundation of a romantic relationship, but it says very little about its future success - despite what Hollywood might have us believe. Our initial attraction to someone is influenced by many factors, and strong chemistry can sometimes make it harder to see the person clearly.
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Want to understand what shapes those crucial first impressions? Read my article on first impressions, attraction and how confirmation bias can influence whom we choose.
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"B" - Baggage: How do I stop my past affecting new relationships?
Like it or not, we all carry some emotional baggage from past relationships. What matters is how we deal with it. Whether you love or hate your ex, if you're still feeling strongly about them and carrying anger and pain, unresolved emotions can keep you stuck in the past and make it harder to move forward in a healthy way. They are also likely to colour your approach to dating and new partner(s).
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There’s no magic reset button, but you can use science-based strategies to help you let go of your emotional baggage - and this is the first step you need to take. And when you're dating someone new, also consider their emotional baggage and how it might influence your relationship.
For further info, please see my article about how our past can affect our future relationships, or, if you feel your emotional history is holding you back, book a free confidential discovery call.
"C" - Compatibility: What matters more - chemistry or compatibility?
Chemistry is important - we crave emotional and physical intimacy; it’s how nature designed us - but chemistry tells us very little about whether two people can build a healthy, lasting relationship. It’s that old “listen to your heart rather than your head” adage. Sounds romantic, but when choosing a life partner, is it really good advice?
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The “heart” responds to what feels good in the moment: attraction, excitement and those wonderful butterflies. However, chemistry has a physiological foundation and can be blinding. As that initial intensity wears off, incompatibilities become more obvious. Your “head” helps you consider what you actually need from a partner and assess whether the relationship works for you.
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Compatibility doesn't mean dating your clone, and it's not simply about sharing the same likes and dislikes. What matters, according to research, are shared key values, trust and how you handle conflict together. If relationships have previously felt like walking on eggshells or pulling teeth, look at compatibility early. Ask, observe, listen and don't make life-changing decisions until your head has had a say too. Find out what questions to ask before committing to a relationship.
"D" - Dating: Dating apps or singles events, which is better?
Dating events have one obvious advantage: they create a shortcut. You can assess chemistry straight away and bypass weeks of messaging. They’re becoming more popular for good reason - but only if they suit your personality.
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There is also plenty of competition: events favour confident, outgoing people, while introverts may find it harder to join conversations or get noticed. You have little control over who attends, and as the industry is increasingly commercialised, the costs can quickly add up.
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Dating apps currently have a bad reputation, particularly when they become a lifestyle rather than a tool. However, they can absolutely work when used wisely and give you access to people you might never meet otherwise. I met my wonderful husband online, and there are many other happy couples who met that way.
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Perhaps, try a combination because ultimately, both are simply ways of making an introduction. Where and how you meet matters far less than what you do afterwards. If you have unhealthy relationship patterns, you'll bring them with you, whether you're dating online or walking into a singles event. Be smart about how you date and have a clear dating strategy.
"E" - Exclusivity: When should you become exclusive when dating?
Some people are perfectly happy with casual, non-exclusive dating, while for others exclusivity is a priority. Consensual non-monogamy also works for some people, provided everyone involved understands and accepts the arrangement. No judgement: there’s no single right way to have a relationship. The key is being honest about what you want and finding someone whose goals align with yours.
Think beyond exclusivity too: do you eventually want to live together, marry or have a family, or have you already had that and now want a committed relationship while maintaining your independence? How do you have the exclusivity chat? It doesn’t need to be an ultimatum or a dramatic “where is this going?” conversation.
Start with what you want rather than trying to persuade the other person to want it too. Your date isn’t a mind reader, so don’t be afraid to talk about your expectations early, as soon as you determine you want to see each other again. If they tell you they want something very different, take that information seriously rather than hoping you can change their mind. If you’re unsure whether you and the person you’re dating are truly aligned, book a free confidential 1:1 session with me to talk it through.
"F" - Fear of Commitment: How do you know if someone is afraid of commitment?
One possible sign is that someone repeatedly pulls away when a relationship starts to feel closer, even when things seem to be going well. However, nuances matter. Are they genuinely afraid of commitment, or simply moving at a slower pace? Could you be moving too fast? It takes time to get to know someone, and a less impulsive person may simply need more information to make decisions.
A real fear of commitment or closeness can have different underlying causes, including past experiences or an attachment style characterised by greater avoidance of intimacy. Latest research by psychiatrist and attachment expert Amir Levine, MD, reminds us that attachment styles aren’t destiny. People with avoidant tendencies can and do build happy relationships, when both partners understand their patterns and are willing to work together.
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Are you afraid of commitment even though you want a relationship? This can be associated with a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern: you seek closeness, feel overwhelmed when you get it, create distance, then miss the connection and pull the person closer again - a vicious cycle. It can be broken, but be wary of anyone who “diagnoses” you within minutes. If you're struggling to understand what's affecting your relationship(s), book a free discovery call with me to discuss.
"G" - Green Flags: What are the green flags in a healthy relationship?
Some green flags are individual: what matters to you in a partner will depend on your personality, values and the kind of relationship you want. As they say "one wo(man)’s trash is another wo(man)’s treasure". However, there are some important signs of a healthy relationship that apply more broadly:
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Consistency: your partner's words and actions are aligned, and you know where you stand with them and you both keep the same level of involvement.
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Responsiveness: both you and your partner listen to each other's point of view, understands each other's needs and genuinely take them into account.
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Conflict resolution skills: you can handle disagreements in a constructive way without damaging the relationship. Conflict itself isn't a sign of trouble; no two people can agree all the time. How you handle those differences makes all the difference. Destructive conflict styles, such as shouting, insulting or, at the other extreme, stonewalling (withdrawing and refusing to engage) are dangerous warning signs and are associated with poorer relationship outcomes.
While it's sensible to be aware of warning signs, don't become so focused on looking for red flags that you overlook the evidence that something is going well. If you'd like to know what to watch out for too, read my guide to relationship red flags.
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"H" - Heartbreak: How do you deal with heartbreak and get over someone?
​Heartbreak is a form of loss, so the pain is very real. Studies using fMRI scans show that the brain of someone who has recently experienced heartbreak looks remarkably similar to that of someone going through drug withdrawal. Research into romantic rejection helps explain why you can crave contact with an ex, obsess over what happened and struggle to concentrate on everyday life during different stages of a break-up.
Recovery takes time and isn't always linear, but there are things you can do to help the process: reduce unnecessary triggers and contact, use physical activity and emotional-regulation techniques, lean on other people for support, and eventually try to look at the relationship and its ending more objectively.
Most importantly, don't think for a second that how you feel today is how you'll always feel. When you understand what is happening and why, it may not take the pain away, but it will help the fear and uncertainty subside - and it can also prevent you from falling into the usual traps. If you're going through it now, I've written a much more detailed, science-based guide with several practical strategies for dealing with heartbreak and moving forward. Read my full How to Deal with Heartbreak guide.
"I" - Idealisation: Are you seeing your date for who they really are?
We’ve already touched on the power of attraction. When we fall in love, we tend to idealise our partners, putting them on a pedestal and seeing them through a more flattering lens.
In psychology, this is often called the "halo effect": we attribute a positive trait to a person and extend that perception to all aspects of their character. So, if someone is charming and attractive, we unconsciously assume other positive qualities and continue idealising them even when faced with conflicting evidence (maybe they turn out to be selfish or rude).
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Confirmation bias reinforces this too: once we’ve decided someone is wonderful, we only tend to notice the evidence that supports our view and explain away what doesn’t. This is very common during the passionate early stage of love, which has a physiological basis.
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Most of us have fallen into this trap! Take things slow and pay attention to the facts, especially when they contradict the picture you want to believe. If you tend to fall in love with someone's potential or question if they are right for you, why not start with my free Dating Barriers Assessment.
"J" - Jealousy: Is jealousy normal in a healthy relationship?
Jealousy is a complex emotion and very common in both new and established relationships. It's an evolutionary adaptation - its purpose is to protect an important relationship you don't want to lose, so it can be justified.
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Relationship researcher and my mentor Dr Terri Orbuch distinguishes between reactive jealousy, which is triggered by real evidence that a relationship is under threat, and suspicious jealousy, where the threat exists largely in our imagination and the suspicions don’t fit the facts. The latter can have several underlying causes, including insecurity and painful past experiences. Attachment theory, for example, links heightened jealousy to an anxious attachment style, characterised by a strong fear of abandonment, while low self-esteem can also make suspicious thoughts more difficult to manage.
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The important question isn’t: “Am I right to be jealous?” but “What is my jealousy saying about my partner and me?” Is it a response to a real threat, or a perceived one? An honest conversation with your partner is a good place to start, but it’s equally important to build a secure, fulfilling life and maintain a healthy degree of independence, so your wellbeing isn’t entirely dependent on your partner’s attention. If jealousy is persistent and damaging to your relationships and mental health, it's worth exploring with a therapist or relationship professional.
"K" - Knowing Yourself: How well do you know yourself?
And what does it mean for your relationships? Naturally, most of us assume we know ourselves pretty well. It’s only when we look back at our patterns and mistakes that we realise perhaps we didn’t know ourselves quite as well as we thought. And that’s fine because self-discovery is a lifelong process.
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In practical terms, understanding yourself can help you choose a partner who is compatible for the long haul. Think of your primary personality. For example, if you’re highly decisive, dominant or naturally inclined to lead, being with someone very similar may create challenges. Secondly, understand your key life values: the beliefs about the world that make you who you are, including family, money, spirituality, health, career and politics. Alignment on your most important values is one of the predictors of long-term relationship success.
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Finally, learn to accept yourself for who you are. A partner can enrich your life, but they can’t create your sense of worth for you. As Jillian Turecki puts it, “Happiness is an inside job, and there’s no perfect person out there who is going to rescue us from ourselves.”
Not sure how your personality and relationship patterns are influencing your choices in love? Complete my Dating Barriers Assessment to start understanding what may be getting in your way.
"L" - Love vs Lust: How can you tell the difference between love and lust?
How do you know which you’re experiencing? Is it a purely physical connection? Or an infatuation, common in early stages of a relationship, when you’re feeling intoxicated most of the time? Or a deeper, companionate love involving emotional connection, care and support? These can overlap, but the latter is particularly important for long-term relationship security. Relationship scientist and my mentor Dr Terri Orbuch identifies four useful signs that can help distinguish love from lust:
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1. Connection. When you’re in love, you’re more likely to want your partner to become part of your wider life and meet the people who matter to you. With lust, you may be more inclined to keep the relationship between the two of you.
2. Mutuality. Using “we” rather than “I” language. Love tends to shift your thinking towards us: you naturally begin referring to yourselves as “we” and thinking about the relationship as a partnership.
3. Self-disclosure. When we love someone, we tend to open up. We share more intimate details about ourselves: our experiences, fears, hopes, dreams and thoughts about the future.
4. Influence. When you’re in love, your partner increasingly matters in the decisions you make. You want to share good news with them, turn to them for support when something goes wrong and take them into account when making significant life choices.
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Lust and attraction can start a relationship, but they don’t tell you whether it has the foundations to last. If you’re unsure whether what you’re experiencing has the potential to become something deeper, book a free 1:1 discovery call with me.
"M" - Marriage: Is marriage important for a lasting relationship?
Life-long marriage has been idealised in our culture, but it wasn’t always the human default. Research suggests that people naturally practise “serial monogamy” - having a few relationships over the course of a lifetime.
The meaning of marriage continues to change. In modern Britain, for many people it's less about religion or social status and more a symbolic celebration of love and commitment. Personally, we saw marriage as a romantic gesture - our way of saying, “We’re committed to each other and we know what we’re doing… this time round!” Interestingly, our children from previous relationships, then 10, 12 and 15, were really excited too. It would seem marriage represented stability to them too.
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Forget for a moment what your parents, friends or society think. What does marriage mean to you? For some people, it represents commitment, security and family; others are perfectly happy building a loving, committed life together without getting married. There is no right or wrong. The important thing is to understand what you want, and whether your partner wants the same thing.
If marriage is important to you, date more intentionally and with the future in mind. Explore more of my resources to help you make wiser relationship choices.
"N" - Needs. Is your date or partner meeting your needs?
First, let’s separate needs from expectations. Needs are fundamental to our wellbeing: stability, emotional support and feeling secure. Our needs also evolve as we move through life; once more basic needs are satisfied, we focus on higher-level ones, like personal growth and self-actualisation.
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If you don’t understand your present needs or fail to communicate them, how can anyone ever meet them? Expectations are different. Walking around with a long list of expectations about how another person should behave is a direct route to frustration. Instead, identify what really matters to you and learn to communicate it early in a relationship, not as a demand or confrontation, but simply as information about who you are.
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Remember, modern relationships carry enormous expectations. Famous relationship researcher Esther Perel wrote: “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” No one person can realistically meet every need, that's what your friends and community are for. Again, distinguish between genuine needs and unrealistic expectations.
Want to become clearer about what you need and make better choices about who can realistically meet those needs? Check out my Dating Success Framework for a more intelligent, research-informed approach to dating.
"O" - The One: Do soulmates really exist?
Some people fall in love once and stay with the same person for life. For the rest of us, there may be more than one “One” during different phases of our lives. People change significantly over time, while our partners don’t necessarily change in the same direction, and sometimes people simply grow apart. As an example, my husband and I were rather different people 20 odd years ago; even if we had met then, we might not have recognised each other as soulmates.
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The idea of the One - a predestined, perfect match - is wonderfully romantic, but also unrealistic. With billions of people in the world, chances are there is more than one person with whom you could build a happy, successful relationship. And each relationship would be different but still great.
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Whether you’re going through a breakup and feel you’ve lost your soulmate, or struggling to find the One, never lose hope. A powerful connection doesn’t automatically mean it's a good match. If you’re unsure of the difference, read about chemistry vs compatibility under "C".
Recognising your ideal partner and then knowing how to build a happy relationship - that’s exactly what I help people achieve. Read more about my research-based relationship and dating coaching methods.
"P" - Passion: Does passion always fade in a relationship?
I often hear people complain that a relationship started beautifully, but once the honeymoon period ended, everything “went south”. Passion does naturally fade over time: passionate love fuelled by hormones is particularly strong at the beginning of a relationship and typically subsides after 12-24 months. That doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. Passionate love evolves into companionate love - a deeper bond based on friendship, connection and support. If passion was the only thing holding you together, its decline may expose the fact that there isn't much underneath it, but if you love each other and have built a strong relationship, “the spark is gone” doesn't have to be the end of the story.
So, how do you keep passion alive? Here are three top tips:
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Living in each other’s pockets is not very healthy. Have time to yourself and some individual activities. It's nice to catch up after a short break and enjoy being reunited.
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Introduce an element of surprise - and it's not just about lingerie and roleplaying. Do something unexpectedly, for example, take your partner out to lunch or dinner or send a flirty text in the middle of the day.
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Many couples get stuck in a rut and although they do spend a lot of time together, it’s not necessarily quality time. Every now and again, deliberately make time for just the two of you for shared activities, date nights and the occasional night away. Leave the mundane stuff behind: instead of discussing children, chores and logistics, talk about yourselves, your aspirations and desires, or reminisce about your early dating days. It will bring back some of that excitement.
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Note that passion in long-distance relationships is likely to last longer because the timeline is different. Find out more about long-distance relationships and how to make them work.
"Q" - Questioning: Is it normal to have doubts about your relationship?
Questioning a new or even an established relationship can be perfectly normal - it doesn’t make you a monster! I’ve worked with people who genuinely love their partner but still find themselves thinking: “I love them, but I’m not sure. Are they the right person for me? Is something wrong?” Our brains naturally reassess from time to time: are my needs being met, do our values still align, is this relationship working for me?
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The problem starts when those thoughts take over, because if you repeatedly look for evidence that something is wrong, you can become very good at finding it. Are you judging your partner by the same standards you apply to yourself? Attribution errors can make us explain our own behaviour through circumstances while interpreting our partner’s behaviour as a reflection of their character. “I was late because traffic was terrible” can easily become “They’re always late because they don’t care.”
Expectations and other factors, like cultural differences can complicate the picture further. So don’t panic because you’re having doubts - but don’t ignore persistent ones either. If you’re stuck tormenting yourself and questioning your relationship, book a free confidential call. Together, we can use a research-based approach to assess the situation more objectively and understand what those doubts are really telling you.
"R" - Rejection: How do you stop taking dating rejection personally?
Many decisions, or indecisions, are driven by fear of rejection. It’s one of the main inhibitors when it comes to dating because our brains are wired to react strongly to social exclusion - that's why rejection can feel so painful. That said, let's call it "selection" instead and consider it an inevitable part of the process, not a reflection on you.
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At the beginning, your level of commitment is zero. The worst thing you can do is start tormenting yourself with questions: “Why? What did I do wrong?” It doesn’t really matter. You can’t please everyone, no matter how attractive, interesting or funny you are.
"Don't take it personally" is easier said than done, but look at it from another angle. Many things have to align for two people to click. Perhaps you simply weren’t a good match and your date worked it out before you did. In that case, they’re doing you a favour by not taking it further instead of misleading you until someone more suitable comes along. There, it’s not such a negative concept anymore.
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Rejection brings you one step closer to someone who will adore you and appreciate the very qualities someone else didn’t. That’s the whole point of dating - finding the right match, not being liked by everyone. If fear of rejection is making dating difficult, please message me and let’s work through it.
"S" - Situationship: Am I in a situationship - and what should I do about it?
The word situationship tends to have a negative connotation, but it isn’t automatically a bad thing. If both partners want something casual or undefined, there’s nothing wrong with that. You may also hear the term “wildflowering” - going with the flow and allowing a relationship to grow and develop naturally without rushing to label it.
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The problem arises when one person wants security, exclusivity or progression while the other avoids defining the relationship. Some signs worth noting are if your partner avoids making future plans, keeps you separate from important people in their life, rarely talks about the two of you as “we”, or keeps conversations relatively superficial rather than gradually opening up emotionally. I recently discussed five signs someone may not be ready for commitment with VICE, including some of the behaviours above.
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If you’re spending more time trying to work out where you stand than enjoying the relationship, that’s a pretty clear sign that a situationship isn’t for you. Living with uncertainty and inconsistency can wear you down over time and affect your wellbeing. Talk openly to your partner about what you need: perhaps they do want to move forward, just at a slower pace. If not, don’t waste your valuable energy trying to convert them. Why are you living in someone else’s relationship scenario? Staying with the wrong person also keeps you off the market and closed to better possibilities. If you feel stuck and can’t decide, book a confidential session with me and let’s get some clarity.
"T" - Trust: How do you know if you can trust your partner?
Trust is one of the foundations of a successful relationship: over 90% of women and men put it right at the top of their list. How do you know whether someone is actually trustworthy? You may not know for some time. Truth-default theory states that the majority of people naturally believe others and communicate honestly by default. We don't actively look for lies and are pretty bad at detecting them.
Start by looking for patterns rather than promises. Are they behaving in a consistent and predictable way, particularly under stress? Are they honest with you, or do their stories regularly contain gaps and contradictions? Do they consider your best interests when making decisions? Can you depend on them to do what they say they will do? Do you feel safe sharing personal thoughts and experiences without fear of judgement - and are they gradually opening up to you?
Trust develops differently in every relationship and grows over time, but consistency, consideration, reliability and emotional disclosure are all good signs. And remember, trust works both ways: do you generally find it easy to trust others - and can others trust you? To understand the foundations of a healthy, lasting relationship and how to recognise them while dating, check out my Dating Success Framework.
"U" - Unconditional Love: Should love really be unconditional?
Unconditional love sounds wonderfully romantic: loving someone without limits or expecting anything in return. Parental love is perhaps the clearest example as it's selfless: usually, we forgive our children and continue caring for them through hard times.
In romantic relationships, the idea of unconditional love can take us into dangerous territory. It's all well and good when your partner is a decent person who respects you and never takes advantage of your feelings. However, loving someone unconditionally shouldn’t mean accepting unacceptable behaviour. The idea of unconditional love can become harmful when it's used to manipulate you: “If you really loved me, you would…” If you’re constantly expected to prove your love, sacrifice your needs or seek their approval - that isn't a healthy expression of love.
Even when unconditional love is mutual, it can encourage unhealthy patterns and, at the extreme, codependency. If it’s one-sided, it leaves you depleted as you keep giving, forgiving and compromising while your partner simply takes. Love may be unconditional; relationships shouldn’t be. They still need boundaries, respect and reciprocity. You might find my blog on How to Avoid Toxic Relationships useful.
"V" - Vulnerability: Why am I afraid to be vulnerable in a relationship?
Being vulnerable in love can be terrifying because it means opening yourself up to another person and risking pain for the sake of intimacy and connection. If you’ve had your fingers burned in a past relationship, it can take time to heal sufficiently to welcome new love into your life. For some people, the fear goes back even further: you may have grown up learning that showing emotion or needing others was a sign of weakness or had negative consequences, so protecting yourself became second nature.
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However, vulnerability doesn’t mean telling someone your deepest darkest secrets within weeks or months. Too much emotional disclosure too soon can overwhelm your partner and even push them away. They have to earn the right: vulnerability needs boundaries, and trust and reciprocal vulnerability develop gradually through small moments over time. Allow yourself to open up gradually, paying attention to how the other person responds. Do they listen without judgement? Do they begin opening up to you too?
Of course, vulnerability in any relationship involves some emotional risk - but that's what makes intimacy possible. Think of it this way: it’s not always events that upset us, but our perception of them. Perhaps it’s your perception of what might happen that’s making it difficult for you to be vulnerable. Is that fear based on reality? If this is holding you back, contact me and let’s talk it through.
"W" - Wellbeing: Is your love life affecting your wellbeing?
Wellbeing isn’t just about physical health. It’s also about your mindset and how you feel about your life - and few things affect our wellbeing more than our personal relationships. Research shows that happy, supportive relationships can make us healthier and enhance our lives. A positive relationship is a real stress-buster as you have a supportive partner by your side, sharing both troubles and success.
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On the other hand, an unhappy relationship, or a series of mediocre ones, can affect both mental and physical health. Research has found that negative relationships can increase the risk of illness and create greater physical wear and tear on the body. Relationship struggles also consume significant amounts of energy - not in a metaphorical sense - real energy, on a cellular level in the brain. When that energy is freed up, it can be directed towards more meaningful and enjoyable parts of life.
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If you want to thrive in life, learning to create healthy, balanced relationships is one of the most important skills you can develop. Your love life should add to your wellbeing, not drain it.
"X" - The Ex: Why can’t I get over my ex?
One of the biggest challenges I see in my dating coaching practice isn’t lack of confidence or unrealistic expectations. It’s the ex. We can be making real progress when one text from an ex suddenly upsets the apple cart. You know why the relationship ended, why they aren't good for you, but when that person reappears, all that clarity goes out of the window. If you want to understand the science behind it and discover a more detailed strategy, read my guide to Getting over a Broken Heart, in the meantime, find some quick tips below.
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Contacting or responding to an ex can become a learned pattern: feeling lonely → texting your ex → temporary relief. That relief reinforces the behaviour, even when the longer-term result is more pain and confusion. Start by recognising your triggers: loneliness, rejection, stress, alcohol, late nights or social media - and make the old behaviour harder: mute them, wait at least one day before responding, contact a friend when you're feeling wobbly.
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Most importantly, reconnect with what you really want. If your goal is a healthy, secure and reciprocal relationship, ask yourself: “Will communicating with my ex move me towards that relationship or away from it?” If your ex still has more power over you than you’d like to admit, book a confidential session with me and let’s break the pattern.
"Y" - Your Patterns: Why do I keep repeating the same dating and relationship patterns?
If you keep finding yourself in similar relationship situations, it may be time to look within!
Why do you fall for someone inappropriate even when you know they’re not right for you?
Why is yet another partner refusing to commit?
Why are you struggling to find and keep love, while it seems to come so easily to others?
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The endless “why” questions can keep you up at night. However, here’s the surprising part: even such emotional matters as love and relationships are governed by certain principles uncovered in psychology, sociology, and anthropology. Even attraction isn’t entirely random. What you want in a partner isn’t accidental. Some of your preferences are shaped by ancient evolutionary adaptations, different for men and for women. ​
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Your specific attractions - the way your heart beats faster for one person over another - come from what researchers call “love maps.” Dr Helen Fisher explains it best: " ... you have developed a mental map, an unconscious list of traits that you are looking for in your ideal partner. Children begin to develop these love maps between ages five and eight (or even earlier)... As you grow up, this unconscious love map takes shape and a composite proto-image of the ideal sweetheart emerges."
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In other words, some of whom you fall for isn’t a conscious choice. It’s shaped by your experiences, culture and even random associations you made as a child. The way your relationships evolve isn’t random either. You certainly play a part, as well as your partner, plus external context because relationships do not exist in a vacuum. If your patterns in love aren’t random, they can be understood and changed, when necessary. If you’re ready to understand what may be driving yours, complete my free Dating Barriers Assessment and find out.
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"Z" - Zeal: How can you tell if someone is interested in you?
In romance, zeal represents energy and enthusiasm in the pursuit of someone you desire. Everyone expresses interest differently, but when someone is genuinely interested in you, you should see some effort. If a man or a woman has to be dragged along, keeps disappearing and reappearing when it suits them, or leaves you constantly wondering where you stand, don’t justify their behaviour or create excuses on their behalf. Most likely, they’re simply not that keen - for whatever reason.
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At the same time, don’t confuse intensity with genuine interest. Someone can be incredibly enthusiastic during the pursuit stage and then cool down as the relationship develops. Instead of judging their interest by the fireworks at the beginning, look at what happens over time: consistency, effort, responsiveness and a genuine desire to keep getting to know you. The right person shouldn’t leave you constantly trying to convince yourself that they’re interested: see Green Flags, Compatibility and Trust above.
Still looking for answers about your love life?
Dating and relationships can feel complicated, but fortunately, you don't have to do it alone anymore. Decades of research into attraction, love and relationships give us a wealth of knowledge about what works, what doesn’t and what helps relationships thrive. Science can’t make your decisions for you, but it can help you make better decisions and approach your love life with greater clarity.
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Not sure what’s getting in the way? Complete my free Dating Barriers Assessment to identify the patterns and barriers that may be affecting your love life.
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Want a more structured approach to dating? Explore my Dating Success Framework and learn how to date more intentionally and choose a compatible partner.
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Need help with your individual situation? Book a free confidential discovery call and let’s talk about what’s happening and how I may be able to help.
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If you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me!
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