How to Deal with Heartbreak: A Science-Based Guide to Getting Over a Broken Heart
- Mila
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
Updated: 4 hours ago
Heartbreak is one of the most difficult experiences to process: it involves loss, and often rejection, along with loneliness and a deep fear of uncertainty.
It feels like stepping into a house that suddenly echoes. Life feels hollow, food tastes flat, you go from mania to dejection a few times a day, and even easy tasks take twice the energy.
You are not being dramatic. You are human...
I’m Mila Smith, co-founder of From Single to Couple Relationship & Dating Consultancy and a certified relationship coach.
I’ve experienced this firsthand and survived the shockwaves of love lost in the past, so did my husband. I clearly remember the nausea of anxiety, the middle-of-the-night loops, and the way work emails started to blur when my private life was on fire.
We also remember the moment things eased, the hopeful new beginnings and - eventually - the blossoming relationship that followed. All traces of the past faded away.
And I’ve supported many clients through tearful conversations as they tried to make sense of a breakup. If you’re searching for how to deal with a broken heart and how to get over someone in a healthy way, this is your safe, research-backed starting point.
The Shocking Truth Behind Breakups: Why It Hurts So Much
We take bereavement seriously, but when it comes to a breakup, people tend to shrug it off:
"Just get over it..."
"He (or she) is not worth it..."
"Time to move on...”
How naïve! According to science, heartbreak is a form of bereavement.
It's easy to dismiss a breakup as something frivolous, but the data show there's a very real cost in terms of human wellness. *
Studies using fMRI scans show that the brain of someone who has recently experienced heartbreak looks remarkably similar to that of someone going through drug withdrawal. It’s withdrawal from a person and a bond your nervous system registered as “home.” Lovers also relapse the way addicts do.
Brain scanning data show, these discarded lovers are still madly in love with deeply attached to their rejecting partner. They are in physical and mental pain. Like a mouse on a treadmill, they are obsessively ruminating on what they’ve lost. And they are craving reunion with their rejecting beloved - addiction. **
Simply removing the stimulus (the person) doesn’t make your feelings disappear. Loss only intensifies emotional responses, activating brain regions associated with grief and pain. One thing is clear: the suffering is real.
Why is this important? When you understand what is happening and why, it may not take the pain away, but it will help the fear and uncertainty subside - and it can also prevent you from falling into the usual traps.
The Stages & Psychology of Breakups
Research reveals that various stages of a breakup make evolutionary sense: **
Protest. If you’ve been dumped, the first stage is usually denial and protest designed by nature to motivate you to win your partner back and resume partnership whenever possible.
Frustration and Aggression. If the above doesn’t work, rejected lovers often suffer from frustration and aggression. Romantic love and rage can coexist. This stage may help increase distance, estrangement and final separation because anger is not attractive.
Resignation and Despair. Following acceptance, signs of depression appear. This actually sends an honest signal and a cry for help to family and friends. This is a dangerous phase as some broken-hearted lovers even die from heart attacks or strokes caused by their depession. **
Transition Phase. Eventually, reality sets in and the transition phase begins. This often overlaps with the previous phase. People reflect and review the relationship, obsessively. Without structure, this can last years especially when people keep going back and forth, making up and breaking up again, like a yo-yo effect.
Recovery Phase. Freedom returns, though readiness for a new relationship may take much longer. There is no prescribed timeline as it's highly individual. To learn more, read my blog "5 Signs You're Ready to Date After a Breakup or a Divorce".
Heartache after Divorce or Long-Term Relationships
Divorce or breakups following long-term partnerships add many layers of complexity. Legal processes, housing changes, finances, often new parenting dynamics and responsibilities - all increase stress at a time when emotional capacity is already reduced.
There is often an identity shift from “we” to “I”, which can feel disorientating and destabilising. People often say they have lost themselves in their relationships, so they start "rebuilding" and "reinventing" themselves.
Daily life can also become full of triggers: routines, places, holidays, even simple habits can unexpectedly activate grief. In many cases, there is also nervous system dysregulation, especially when the relationship involved betrayal, conflict, or prolonged tension. Work performance may suffer as emotional overload makes concentration and decision-making more difficult.
The relief will come, but having structure is what helps you get through this. Familiar doesn't always mean good; new and different doesn't mean bad - you can write your new story the way you want. Don’t hesitate to ask your employer, colleagues, family and friends for support, patience and understanding during this time.
How to Deal with Heartbreak & Stop Obsessing over Someone: 7 Science-Based Strategies
There’s no magic wand to bypass the process, but you can make it more bearable and support healthy healing with the right tools.
1. Emotional Release
Creative expression is a powerful way to process emotional pain. Writing a letter to your ex can be especially effective (important: this letter is for you only - never send it to your ex, that is not the aim). I recommend writing it by hand, as it can help you process emotions more deeply, and because an email or a text can easily be sent by mistake or in the heat of the moment.
Write honestly about what you feel, why you feel it, what the relationship meant to you - whatever you want. Write a new letter every week and re-read the previous ones. You’ll notice the transformation and your negative emotions dissipating over time.
2. Physical Activity
This is not necessarily about fitness, which I'm sure is not high on your list of priorities during a breakup. In this case, it's mental first aid.
High energy exercise reduces stress hormones, increases mood-enhancing neurochemicals and helps rebuild confidence gradually. Even walking can make a difference. Group activities such as gym sessions, running or swimming classes can keep you motivated and provide accountability and a sense of connection.
3. Listen to Music
Especially sad music - might be a heartbreak cliche, but there are real scientific reasons that it makes us feel better. A recent study found that we seek out sad music after a breakup because it delivers specific cognitive rewards: it helps regulate our emotions, make sense of the world again and elicits empathy responses. *
4. Remove Triggers
Once the initial shock has passed, reducing exposure to emotional triggers becomes important. This may include removing photos, gifts and other reminders from your home and messages from your phone / PC.
This is not denial. You will be thinking about them anyway, so give yourself at least some breathing space by reducing the frequency instead of being immersed all the time. Sleeping in your ex-partner’s shirt might feel comforting, but in reality you’re just “getting a fix,” like an addict, which only delays your healing. You can learn how to stop obsession over someone.
5. Emotional Regulation Coaching
Stabilising your nervous system is essential during heartbreak. Simple grounding techniques can help, such as breathing slowly in for four seconds and out for six, as well as meditation. Also, grounding through senses: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can feel, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste - to anchor yourself in the present moment.
Cognitive reframing is also powerful, for example: catch a negative thought, such as “I’m unlovable” and replace it with a positive statement: “I’m experiencing withdrawal; this will pass” or similar.
6. Reassign Blame
A key step in processing your emotional baggage is shifting how you interpret the relationship and its ending. Instead of blaming yourself or your ex, reframe the situation in more neutral terms: “We wanted different things” or "We were too young" or "It just didn’t work out.”
Not all relationships survive, but it's never a failure. It’s an experience – and it’ll serve you well if you're prepared to learn from it.
7. Look at Your Past Relationship Objectively
This approach reduces emotional intensity and helps prevent carrying unresolved resentment and misconceptions into future relationships. It's often one of the hardest steps, especially when you are unsure of the true signs of an unhealthy relationship and don't fully understand why you experienced the difficulties that led to its breakdown.
Most people feel confused, so if you want to gain clarity, relationship coaching can help you make sense of what happened and move forward with confidence and positivity.
Breakup FAQ:
Q: Should I contact my ex?
A: Have you tried reconciliation? Has it worked? If not, only contact them if absolutely necessary. Keep any essential communication brief, neutral and practical. If you feel the urge to contact them for other reasons (emotion-driven, impulsive etc), wait 72 hours before doing anything. Refer back to the earlier sections on the physiology of heartbreak. Even though your whole being may be screaming to text them, it's not always the right thing to do. Focus on yourself.
Q: Should I date or have rebound sex after breakup?
A: Honestly, it differs from one person to another. Some feel worse, some feel better for a brief moment. According to the latest research:
...we are mourning a loss of intimacy, and even at its most casual, sex with a relative stranger does provide some dose of the intimacy we need. It also provides the hits of oxytocin and dopamine that we crave - although these are cravings that we could almost as easily satisfy through travel, new experiences, time with close friends and family, masage, cuddling a pet, or exercise. *
As long as you're honest with yourself and your partner about your intentions, so no one gets hurt. However, one thing is certain: a casual date may be okay at this stage, but not a new serious relationship. Be mindful of this trap, because sometimes the lines can begin to blur.
Q: Should I avoid burdening friends?
A: No. Never hesitate to get in touch when times are tough. At worst, they may quietly roll their eyes when you go over the details of your breakup for the umpteenth time, but will still listen and care. What helps is making a clear, simple request. For example: “Can we go for a short walk or have a quick chat? I just need some company.”
Getting Over Heartbreak: You Are Not Alone
I’ve worked as a relationship coach (and subsequently, as a dating coach) with many clients who believed they would never smile or feel joy again. Of course, they were wrong. It's great to see how over time, the colour returns to their faces, the liveliness to their voices, energy comes back and curiosity reappears.
Healing is not linear, and it's not instant, but it's predictable when supported properly. With the right mix of science-backed tools and compassionate support, your system will settle, your mind will clear and your heart can open again without fear.
Here is a science-based truth: there is no such thing as “The One” or a single soulmate, despite what Hollywood and rom-coms would have you believe. Not everyone will be a great match for you: your compatibility pool is smaller, but still significant. Finding love after divorce / breakup is possible and within reach. Every love story is different, yet meaningful, intimate and exciting.
Work With a Relationship Coach:
If you want structured, step-by-step qualified support to deal with heartbreak, I offer one-to-one relationship coaching. You can book a free, confidential discovery call here to discuss your situation and a personalised recovery plan.
Take charge today and start moving forward with clarity and confidence.
With love,
Mila Smith x
Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy
* Dr Justin Garcia, "The Intimate Animal"
** Dr Helen Fisher, "Anatomy of LOve"
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