Are Dating Apps Actually the Problem?
- Mila
- 6 minutes ago
- 6 min read
Dating apps can feel so frustrating, but I don't believe they are the issue.
The problem might be you (and that’s good news because you can do something about it).
I’ve heard it hundreds of times:
“It’s impossible to find love these days because of the apps.”
Dating apps get a lot of bad press: sometimes justified, sometimes misplaced. It may appear like they’ve rewired romance. This is not the case - and I'll show you why. As I continue to emphasize, the problem isn’t necessarily the dating apps. So why do you keep focusing on them?
I recently came across new research which confirms my findings. Evolutionary biologist Justin Garcia, PhD, of The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction (there is probably no higher authority on love, relationships and dating than this) argues that we’re misreading what has actually changed.
There is growing evidence which rebuts many of the common myths about modern dating.
Myth 1: “You can’t meet people in real life.”
My answer is usually: Why not?
On top of the apps, you can still:
Join a local gym
Attend local activity and interest groups
Go to live singles' events (plenty of them in any area)
Ask friends and colleagues for introductions
Admittedly, the pool gets smaller over the age of 35 because more people are in committed relationships. However, millions divorce and re-enter the dating market every year. We are serial monogamists, and quite often, relationships are better the second or the third time round.
And here’s what’s interesting. When I invite these same complainers to live events or suggest joining activities, they find an excuse not to do it because… you guessed right: it’s about them - not the apps.
Either their expectations are unrealistic, or there are other barriers (past trauma, anger, self-sabotage - the reasons are many).
Complaining about modern dating is often an excuse not to look within. Negativity is comforting - it feels like home. And it’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than change.
Myth 2: “There are no quality matches on dating apps.”
There’s a legion of women out there claiming:
"There are no decent men left."
And a legion of men looking for a committed relationship claiming:
"There’s no one out there."
Hmmm… if only there were a place where they could miraculously find each other. 😏
Firstly, all apps are different. Like any other database, they come in a multitude of shapes, sizes and quality levels. A free site will attract everyone. If there’s no requirement to complete a questionnaire, upload photos or fill out profile details, the overall quality of matches, naturally, will be lower.
Choose the platform that works for you. A paid app often signals higher intent. Some of them even offer identity checks and age verification.
Don’t be distracted by the illusion of abundance.
“Where daters stumble is in how they use the tools. Infinite scroll encourages overselection and underinvestment. Gamified design nudges snap judgments and ghosting. Many people mistake “maximizing options” for “making a good match,” then feel depleted when abundance yields anxiety rather than connection.” *
That’s not a technology problem. That’s a behavioural one.
Myth 3: “Great relationships can’t start on the apps.”
Partially true - because relationships can only start in real life. However, introductions absolutely can happen online.
As I keep saying, they aren't technically "dating apps", they are introduction apps - a useful vehicle. They won’t do the dating for you. Once you've made contact, your aim is to get off the apps ASAP. After that, it’s the same as meeting anywhere else.
"The biggest misconception, according to Kinsey scientist Justin Garcia, is that technology has altered the basic architecture of attraction and attachment. It hasn’t. What makes relationships thrive still hinges on reciprocity: two people investing, responding, and improving one another’s lives over time." *
Here’s another simple example...
I ask clients over 40 if they met their ex-partners in real life. The answer is usually yes, for obvious reasons: apps weren’t widely used back then. They met at work, university, through friends.
What happened to those relationships? One way or another, they ended, often badly. Conversely, I’m enjoying the best relationship of my life - and it was initiated on a dating site. So are many other people.
Do you see now that how and where you meet has very little bearing on the quality of the relationship? It’s about due diligence, compatibility and above all, it’s about you, your partner and what you create together.
Can you make dating apps work?
Yes, 100%. It can happen in your 40s, 50s, and 60s.
Dating apps have expanded the pool of potential partners and lowered the friction of meeting because the intent is clear. (When you approach someone at the gym, you may discover they aren’t even single.)
"They’ve been especially helpful for people who are neurodivergent, live outside dense social hubs.. The discovery function is real and valuable." *
Why dating apps don’t work for some people?
A lot of the time it's about your mindset and approach. Remember: the tools are new. The psychology of love, attraction and a successful relationship is not.
If you want better results, you have to stop treating technology as the relationship and start using it to support the human part. Use apps to get to humans quickly.
And grow thicker skin!
Dating apps represent a slice of life. In a way, they reflect our society. You simply see more of it because you’re actively looking.
Let’s address some common problems and complaints about dating apps:
“They are full of weirdos.”
The world is full of people you may find weird. You could be sitting next to one in a café or in the office. You don’t complain about that. Apps simply magnify visibility. Ignore them, don’t engage and focus on your path. You can always block members who make you feel uncomfortable - not something you can do in real life.
“There are scammers or married people.”
They exist offline too, always have! Take things slow, observe, listen. Red flags become obvious quickly unless you choose what you want to see and hear and ignore the truth.
“The conversation goes nowhere.”
Then they’re not right for you. You may have wasted a few minutes or hours — don’t waste more energy dwelling on it. Move on.
“We had an amazing five-hour date and then they ghosted me.”
You may have overshared or invested too much too soon – yes, your date might have been overwhelmed. Learn from it. Keep first dates shorter. If it doesn’t go well, you have an excuse to leave. If it does goes well, you both leave intrigued and wanting more.
“I’m not getting matches.”
That’s a longer conversation. Your photos may need updating. You may not be highlighting your strengths effectively. You may be coming across as too rigid or demanding. There are many possible factors.
This is where mindset and strategy matter. I cover all these aspects with my clients, but not just the image, not just what's on the surface. Change the mindset - change the behaviour.
In Summary
Modern love may look different, but nothing is broken. It’s only broken if you allow technology to take over your life. Use it strategically or don’t use it at all. Improve your self-awareness, confidence and the vetting process.
Do you know your real barriers in dating? Don’t tell me it’s the apps - I don't believe you.
That’s why I developed an online Dating Barriers Assessment, completely free for you to take. It’s a starting point.
Will it instantly solve all your problems? No, real change takes time.
Will it shine a light on your unhelpful dating and relationship patterns and give you simple guidance to start moving in the right direction? Yes, and awareness is always the first step.
And if you've had enough of this online business and want to talk to a real person, please click here to arrange a FREE confidential discovery call with me - UK based relationship and dating expert for men and women.
With best wishes,
Mila Smith x
Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy
* Pam Belluck, Kinsey Scientist Rebuts Myths About Modern Dating on FindArticles