Is Love Better the Second Time? Tips for Dating and Remarriage Success

I recently finished reading "The Research Handbook on Partnering Across the Life Course", a fascinating compilation by leading sociologists and psychologists from around the world.

What I find most encouraging is how much research is dedicated to personal relationships, including love, dating, marriage, divorce, widowhood, and re-partnering.

These may sound like cold, impersonal terms on paper, but behind them lie our deepest joy and intense grief, heartache, dreams, tears, hope and sleepless nights. Love, after all, isn’t just some romantic idea - it's a powerful driver of our mental and physical well-being, whether we like it or not...

The subject of remarriage or re-partnering is deeply personal to most of us. Relationships end, new ones begin - it’s a natural, ongoing cycle. If you’ve decided to take the plunge and give love another shot, whether you're dating again or taking a new relationship to the next level, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Successful Remarriage: Why Love Deserves a Second Chance

There’s a well-known quote often attributed to Oscar Wilde (and sometimes Samuel Johnson):

“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

It’s funny - because it’s true… but only when we fail to learn from the past and keep making the same mistakes.

Sometimes, people do try to learn - but draw the wrong conclusions. For instance, someone may swear off a particular “type” because their ex had certain traits or attributes, even though those traits may not have caused the breakup at all. In psychology, this is called direct reinforcement, and it doesn’t always serve us well.

Choosing the complete opposite of your ex is a simplistic approach and not always a wise or strategic move. It’s important to understand what led to the relationship demise, and which attributes made you happy.

One thing’s for sure: humans are serial monogamists. We must be eternal optimists because when a bond ends, sooner or later we find ourselves longing for connection again and searching for a new mate.

“Call it what you will, the human penchant to divorce and form a new bond with another is worldwide.” *

The Evolving Landscape of Re-Partnering

Researchers find that re-partnering has become more complex and harder to track. Many people now choose not to remarry, opting instead for long-term partnerships or living-apart-together arrangements where they remain committed but don’t cohabit.

The key takeaway, in my opinion? There’s no single “right” way to re-partner. What matters is that your new relationship is more intentional because hope is not a strategy. Happy, lasting partnerships rarely happen by chance.

You can explore more of my blogs for practical tips, mindset shifts, and real-life insights to guide your dating journey. Or, if you're ready to take a more personalised approach, book a call with me to discuss a dating and re-partnering strategy that truly works for you.

Re-Partnering With Children

Children, when they’re part of the picture, play a huge role in the breakup and remarriage. It’s no surprise this area gets a lot of research attention. One study noted:

“Children impact all aspects of the re-partnering process.[…] Studies have shown that not having children from a previous partnership is a desirable characteristic on the partnering market.” **

Hower, that’s not the whole story.

In my experience, many people are attracted to potential partners with children - and that goes for both parents and non-parents.

Why? Parenthood often brings out powerful qualities in people: compassion, selflessness, emotional depth. In life, you don’t always have the opportunity to show these attractive qualities to your new date or a partner, but children tend to inadvertently highlight them. Seeing a loving caring mother or a dedicated generous father can melt anyone’s heart.

Sure, raising children imposes a lot of restrictions on a single parent’s ability to date and find a new partner. Logistically, it can be really challenging, however, it also helps showcase your best self, often without you realising it.

Going back to the perception that single parents are “less desirable”... It can actually be a blessing in disguise as it filters out those who aren't a match for your lifestyle and brings in those who are.

Speaking from experience: when I used to date as a single mum, I eventually got tired of pretending I was always “cool” and available. So, I chose to be upfront about my limitations, with a bit of humour. If it scared any men off, I can’t say I noticed. What it did do was attract the right ones: those who could handle the lack of spontaneity and understood the reality of my life.

I previously wrote about navigating dating as a single parent, please check out my earlier blog with top tips.

Let’s Talk About Divorce - and Why It’s Not a Failure

In our culture, many people idealise lifelong marriage. In reality, it can be hard to achieve and it’s not for everyone.

In fact, anthropological research shows that serial bonding - forming long-term relationships for several years before moving on to new partners - was the norm for millions of years. According to evolutionary theorists, it was beneficial for genetic variety.

It was only relatively recently in human history, with the rise of settled societies, that the idea of lifelong marriage took hold. And the reason behind it wasn’t spiritual - it was economic.

“…it is highly likely that permanent monogamy became the rule with the emergence of sedentary living. With the advent of plow agriculture, neither husband nor wife could divorce. They had become tied to their mutual real estate and to each other.” *

Our evolving gender dynamics and relationship patterns today aren’t new. Some of them are a return to ancient norms.

I believe we’re very lucky indeed. For perhaps the first time in history, we have the freedom to pursue the kind of relationship we want without fear of judgment. You can stay single or you can stay married to one person (if it works for both sides). You can re-partner and remarry, or not. The choice is yours.

If you’re carrying scars from a past relationship or marriage, know this: divorce is not a failure, for the reasons explained above. And it doesn’t have to be hard next time round. With the right knowledge, intention, and support, you can build something better: a successful remarriage isn’t just possible, it’s within reach.

This is why I do the work I do. Feel free to contact me, I'd be happy to help you plan your next chapter.

With best wishes,

Mila Smith

Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy

---

* Anatomy of Love by Helen Fisher, PhD,

** Research Handbook on Partnering across the Life Course, edited by Dimitri Mortelmans, Laura Bernardi, Brienna Perelli-Harris