Unhealthy Relationship Patterns: Why You Have Them (and How to Break Free)

Why do you fall for someone inappropriate even when you know they’re not right for you?

Why is your partner refusing to commit?

Why did they end things when you thought everything was going so well?

Why are you struggling to find and keep love, while it seems to come so easily to others?

Why do all your relationships tend to decline and perish?

The endless “why” questions can keep you up at night. They leave you frustrated, doubting yourself, and wondering if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you (there isn’t).

However, here’s the surprising twist: none of it is random.

It may feel like chaos wrapped in mystery, but in reality, even such emotional matters as love and relationships are governed by certain principles uncovered in psychology, sociology, and anthropology.

Attraction Isn’t Entirely Random

What you want in a partner isn’t accidental. Some of your preferences are shaped by ancient evolutionary adaptations. For example, men and women across cultures often seek certain traits, such as: status, kindness, health, or fertility - not by coincidence, but because those traits historically signalled survival advantages.

On top of that, you have your individual needs and expectations linked to your personality type, personal beliefs and key life values.  

There’s more. Your specific attractions - the way your heart beats faster for one person over another - come from what researchers call “love maps.”

 

Love Maps: The Blueprint You Didn’t Know You Had

Dr Helen Fisher explains it best:

Long before you fixate on Ray as opposed to Bill, Sue instead of Cecily, you have developed a mental map, an unconscious list of traits that you are looking for in your ideal partner. Children begin to develop these love maps between ages five and eight (or even earlier) in response to family, friends, experiences, and chance associations...

As you grow up, this unconscious love map takes shape and a composite proto-image of the ideal sweetheart emerges. [… ] Then, when you actually see someone who fits within these parameters, you fall in love with him or her and project onto this beloved your unique love map. These love maps vary from one individual to the next. *

In other words, some of whom you fall for isn’t a conscious choice. It’s shaped by your early life experiences, culture and even random associations you made as a child.

The way your relationships evolve isn’t random either. You certainly play a part as well as your partner plus external context (relationships do not exist in a vacuum).**

Scientists use the term "relational processes" as an umbrella concept that encompasses areas such as communication, intimacy, and the perceived fairness or balance in the exchange of resources and behaviours within a relationship. That old chestnut...

In sum, several relationship variables are associated with the likelihood that partners report their relationship to be high quality. **

…or not…

Unhealthy Relationship Patterns: What’s the Way Forward?

If your patterns in love aren’t random, then they can be understood and changed, if necessary. Figure out your love map and see if it’s previously led you to healthy choices. Perhaps, it’s time to let go of some of those stereotypes and cast your net wider?

There is no magical overnight solution. It takes awareness, effort, and often guidance - but it is absolutely possible. As long as you keep an open mind and are ready to look within yourself, here’s what can be achieved:

• You can identify your own specific unhelpful and unhealthy relationship patterns and make a conscious effort to stop repeating them.

• You can choose partners who are able and willing to commit - if that’s what you want.

• You can improve your vetting process so you spot red flags early, before you’re emotionally invested.

• You can become more self-aware, understanding what you truly need versus what you’ve been conditioned to want.

• You can stop sabotaging your love life and give relationships the opportunity to grow.

• You can learn the difference between healthy traits and destructive habits, so you know what builds a great relationship and what kills it.

Some people naturally develop this clarity earlier, often because they had good role models, a network of support or healthier early experiences (although there are no guarantees even with all these factors present). But that doesn’t mean it’s too late for you to invest in yourself whether you are 30, 40 or 50+.

I offer empathy and a science-backed coaching approach for those ready to reset their in love and relationships. Together, we’ll uncover the patterns keeping you stuck, and build a clearer, healthier roadmap toward the connection you deserve.

Just a few tweaks, and you can stop asking endless “whys” and start learning the “hows". I help people just like you uncover the psychology behind attraction, identify what’s been holding them back, and finally build the kind of healthy, happy and secure relationship they are dreaming of.

Why not book a free confidential discovery call today and start rewriting your love story!

Or, if you're feeling shy or prefer a DIY approach, you can do an online assessment on my website for only £5 and receive a resonlaised report with actionable tips. Will it instantly solve all your problems? No, real change takes time and consistent effort. Will it give you breakthrough insights, like a mirror you’ve never looked into? Yes, and awareness is the first step to success. 

With best wishes,

Mila Smith

Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy

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* Helen Fisher, PhD, Anatomy of Love 

** Jeremy B. Kanter, Susan Sprecher and Terri Orbuch, Research Handbook on Partnering across the Life Course: Relationship quality