3 Ways Your Past Shapes Your Approach to Love

How Your Past Can Influence Your Dating and Relationship Choices

I’m not a proponent of DIY therapy or coaching - it can be ineffective or even harmful, so please note the disclaimer:

This guide is meant to spark reflection and maybe open up a few new dimensions you haven’t considered before. Relationship coaching insights are shared for you to become more aware of some of the forces shaping your dating psychology and relationship patterns.

Understanding the science behind love can help you make better, healthier and more informed choices. And if you’re a die-hard romantic, consider this: it's a question of compromise between your heart and your head.

Intelligence in human beings is the capacity to negotiate between emotional reactions on one hand, and knowledge and reason on the other. [...] It's not possible for a human being to operate at full capacity with reason alone, or with the emotions alone. Both are necessary. *

You see, it's never one or the other in isolation!

There are several scientific theories and frameworks used to explore love, dating, and relationships. One fascinating example is Evolutionary Theory, which provides a genetic and biological perspective on human attraction and mating strategies. As the name suggests, our evolutionary history has shaped men and women to develop certain adaptations, which explains why we approach dating and relationships differently, and apply different mate selection criteria. Evolutionary psychology helps explain a wide range of behaviours but it does not account for every nuance.

Our individual past experiences, from early childhood to past romantic relationships, play a significant role in shaping how we approach love and dating. This is what we'll focus on here.

Attachment styles, forged in our earliest interactions with caregivers, can influence trust, communication and emotional intimacy.

Meanwhile, childhood experiences and exposure to family dynamics or media portrayals of romance influence our love maps and create expectations about what love “should” look like.

This is often reinforced through social learning, where the behaviours we witness or experience repeatedly teach us what is safe, harmful or desirable in relationships. Without a doubt, past heartbreaks, infatuation and relationships leave an imprint, guiding future partner choices and influencing our confidence in love.

Here is a detailed breakdown:

1. Attachment Theory 101

Attachment Theory has become extremely popular in recent years. At its core, it suggests the way we relate to others in adulthood is influenced by our early interactions with primary caregivers in the first 18 months of life.

If you haven’t heard of the attachment styles before - unlikely as that may be - here is the summary. There are two underlying dimensions:

1. Avoidance of intimacy

2. Abandonment anxiety

The four attachment styles are:

• Secure: relaxed, trusting; characterised by low avoidance, low anxiety

• Pre-occupied: clingy, nervous; characterised by low avoidance, high anxiety

• Fearful: mistrustful, guarded; characterised by high avoidance, high anxiety

• Dismissing: independent, detached; characterised by high avoidance, low anxiety

Unfortunately, attachment theory is often misquoted and misinterpreted, which can create confusion. What I’m sharing here is a quick overview, not a tool for diagnosing yourself or others.

We love categorising everything - and yes, there is a scientific explanation for that too! Much like generalisation, it helps the brain process and organise overwhelming amounts of information we're facing on a daily basis.

However, the downside is: when you have a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Labels can help us understand ourselves, but they can also limit us. Some people allow these categories to define them, excuse their behaviours or even create self-fulfilling prophecies.

So, what else shapes your approach to love and influences your dating and relationship choices?

2. Your Childhood Experiences: The Hidden Influencers

According to Social Learning Theory, we choose partners based on both direct reinforcement (own experiences) and indirect influences (modelling), like other relationships we observe growing up.

I mentioned "love maps" in my previous blog: the unconscious blueprint we develop from everything we absorb in our childhood and adolescence - click here to read more. Most of this happens without us realising it.

For example: your favourite uncle’s face and voice, a childhood celebrity crush or a teacher you really hated growing up - all these images, sounds and even smells get stored in your mind and quietly shape the type of people you’re attracted to, or repulsed by. Films, books and religion also heavily influence your expectations about love and relationships.

Romantic media, in particular, deserves a special mention because it fuels a wide range of myths, misconceptions and “common sense” notions about love, relationships and even our expectations of ourselves.

To give you another example, films, novels and series often present love as instant, all-consuming, and effortlessly magical, which is great for storytelling but poor real-world guidance. For example, many narratives make us believe that passionate love is the only “real” love, whilst the reality is rather different.

Passionate love has a strong physiological foundation: our brains are flooded with chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, creating a temporary emotional high which simply cannot be sustained long-term. In a way, we can become slaves to our hormones and tend to make impulsive decisions even though in that moment, we're unable to see our partner or the relationship objectively. ..

...When that natural intensity fades (usually, between 6 and 18 months), many people assume something is wrong, and that the relationship is dead. This is a common myth: your feelings simply transform into a different kind of love, which is characterised by deeper emotional connection and friendship.

Is it possible to reignite the passion? Yes, there are certain things you can do to re-introduce "the spark". Please click here if you want to read more about passion and other topics in my Love & Relationship A-Z Guide.

3. Your Own Romantic History

The more people I work with, the clearer it becomes that attachment style alone doesn’t explain everything. Therapists and researchers confirm that many individuals begin adulthood with a secure attachment when they were raised in stable, loving environment, and are generally confident, but a major emotional event - for example, a betrayal - will shift their perception.

If they were hurt, had a relationship with someone irresponsible with their feelings or someone who cheated, they will start displaying signs of either fearful or pre-occupied attachment style. This manifests itself as:

• difficulty trusting

• increased need for reassurance

• self-doubt

• suspicious jealousy etc.

Social Learning Theory explores these scenarios in depth. Our brains naturally learn from negative experiences, a process known as negative reinforcement. In simple terms, we try to avoid anything that once caused us pain.

So if a relationship ended badly with someone who was, for example, very outgoing, you may find yourself steering clear of similar personalities in the future - not because they’re incompatible with you, but because your brain is trying to protect you from repeating a painful outcome.

The same pattern can happen on a larger scale. If you went through something traumatic - for example, an abusive marriage or a deeply unhealthy dynamic - you may begin to avoid an entire “category” of people. Sometimes it’s a personality type, and in some cases, it’s a profession or demographic or even, believe it or not, a name!

While this protective mechanism is understandable, it can also keep us stuck. Instead of preventing future pain, it may limit your choices, narrow your dating pool or create assumptions which prevent you from meeting people who are genuinely good for you.

Sadly, this is when people often tend to develop self-sabotaging beliefs. Your brain builds an invisible armour to keep you safe, but that armour can be too rigid. These self-sabotaging (intended as self-protective) beliefs limit your ability to move forward, trust or feel confident in yourself.

NB: by the way, it's not all that bad. Sometimes, the opposite happens... someone naturally insecure and anxious develops a secure relationship style. This seldom happens by accident, and is usually a result of self-development; coaching or therapy; support, encouragement and patience from their partner - or a combination of the above.

Knowledge Is Power: Now You Know How Past Shapes Your Approach to Love

Understanding these three key areas gives you insight into why you love the way you do. Use these frameworks to understand yourself and overcome self-sabotaging beliefs in relationships, not to label yourself (or others).

For sure, our past affects every single one of us - that’s unavoidable. However, it does not have to define your future. Many of your patterns and behaviours are learned, not fixed, and can evolve with the right awareness and guidance.

This is where I support my clients: by helping them unpack their emotional baggage, identify the self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviours that no longer serve them and replace them with healthier, more empowering strategies. Together, we create a personalised roadmap for dating and relationships - one which aligns with who they are now.

Curious? Let's connect and discuss! Send an email to mila@single-to-couple.com or book a free confidential discovery call today and start rewriting your love story.

With best wishes,

Mila Smith

Founder of From Single to Couple - Relationship & Dating Consultancy

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* Antonio Damasio in Jean-Francois Marmion's The Psychology of Stupidity