First Date Psychology and Tips: What Really Matters
- Mila
- Sep 5
- 6 min read
We’ve all heard the phrase “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” It’s a noble ideal, yet difficult to follow. Our brains are hardwired to make snap judgments. Cognitive biases - like confirmation bias and beauty bias - play a powerful role in shaping our perceptions of others, whether in a job interview or on a first date.
Your mind is a measuring instrument - but just how objective is it?
Although accuracy is the goal, perfection in achieving this goal is never achieved even in scientific measurement, much less in judgement. There is always some error, some of which is bias and some of which is noise.*
Your personality, the weather, your hunger level, even whether your football team is losing or winning, can all affect your decisions...
Why First Impressions Matter
Psychologists refer to something called the primacy effect: a cognitive bias which causes people to remember the first piece of information they encounter better than what comes afterwards. This means first impressions tend to stick, even in the face of conflicting evidence.
Owing to the confirmation bias, our brain naturally seeks out information which confirms our initial impression. That’s why your appearance and demeanour in the first few minutes or even seconds of meeting someone can strongly influence how they perceive you… often without them even realising it.
Beauty Bias: The Attractive Advantage
Beauty bias is our tendency to make snap judgments based on appearance, often assigning positive traits to someone simply because they’re physically attractive. This can lead us to overlook red flags or overestimate someone's character based solely on how they look. It requires a cognitive feat, and self-awareness to see beyond the surface.
There are two key takeaways from these insights:
Be aware of your own biases. Resist the urge to rush to judgment - give people the opportunity to reveal who they truly are (by the way, this is unlikely to happen on the first date).
Use this awareness to your advantage: present your best self from the very beginning to create a positive first impression. Your appearance, body language, and tone in those first few moments can shape how others perceive you.
Is it possible to remain 100% objective? I believe it’s genuinely difficult. People can’t help but feel drawn to - or put off by – others, such is human nature. However, be aware that passionate love has a physiological foundation, and the hormones inevitably wear off within 12-18 months or even sooner. Please see my Love, Relationship & Dating A-Z Guide to read more about attraction and passion.
What Matters to Women
Many of my male clients ask, “What do women really want?”
Across cultures and various demographics, studies consistently show that competence (such as ability of some kind or success), kindness and generosity rank above physical appearance for most women.
Evolutionary psychology offers one explanation: such traits signal stability and support - qualities vital for survival of their offspring and long-term partnership. **
Our brains follow this ancient call even if children aren’t part of the plan.
So, gentlemen, it’s time to stop worrying about a receding hairline or a shorter stature. Most women will overlook those things if you treat them well and make them feel special.
However, women possess a great attention to detail, especially when it comes to clothing and presentation. It’s more than just clothes: what you wear tells a story.
Wearing very old or untidy clothes sends the message that you don't care about others' opinions - not great on a first date or in a job interview.
Dressing like your dad/granddad in his 80s? She may think you're boring and not fun at all.
Over-accessorizing might suggest vanity or insecurity. “What is he hiding behind all that armour?” etc.
Interested in this topic? Read more here: 10 Essential Colour and Style Tips Every Man Should Know
What Men Want
Yes, men are more visually driven: research shows that because of the bounty of fertility cues conveyed by a woman’s physical appearance, men have evolved to prioritise youthfulness and attractiveness in their mate preference. **
Again, this is one of those evolutionary quirks which still influences men even when they have no interest in having children.
That said, most men are realists: no one expects you to look like Margot Robbie or look 25 at 50! It’s not about chasing unattainable beauty standards; it’s about showcasing your best assets and demonstrating that you take pride in yourself. Realistic confidence is key.
It would be wise to avoid very provocative outfits (unless that’s your goal in which case you’ll get exactly what you suggest: lust). If you’re seeking a long-term partner, subtlety is far more effective. An outfit which is too revealing might land you in the “just a fling” category, even if that’s not your intention.
On the other hand, completely neglecting your appearance signals disinterest – not something a man wants to walk into on a first date. Making an effort is a way of showing respect, not just for yourself but also for the person you’re meeting.
10 Science-Based First Date Tips to Make the Best Impression
1. Overdress, rather than underdress – It’s better to appear slightly more polished than too casual.
2. Avoid drastic changes – For example, leave a new experimental hairstyle for another occasion, or brand-new shoes which might turn out to be uncomfortable.
3. Scent matters – Some fragrance applied an hour or two before the date will leave a subtle, pleasant impression.
4. Plan ahead – It shows you care. It doesn’t have to be exotic, just choose a space where you can talk. Loud bars or crowded venues will make it difficult to connect.
5. Keep it relatively short – Aim for a 1.5 – 2-hour first date. If it doesn’t go well, you have an easy out. If it does, even better: you leave your date intrigued and wanting more.
6. Don’t reveal everything at once – It will overwhelm your date. Let your story unfold over time, disclose intimate information gradually.
7. Ask open-ended questions – Listen actively: react, show interest, and clarify. Avoid taking over the conversation and turning your date into a sales pitch about yourself. Be mindful of the differences between male and female communication styles:
rapport talk (used by women to connect emotionally and share details and nuances) vs
report talk (typical for men to exchange facts and information). ***
8. Use humour wisely – A smile and laughter create connection and show people you are fun rather than hard work. However, refrain from the self-deprecating jokes; you’re still establishing your value.
9. Don’t talk about your ex(es) – Only if it comes up in a conversation, keep it brief and neutral. You can deflect unwanted questions by saying it’s “a story for another time”.
10. Pay attention to body language – Non-verbal cues reveal more than words. If there’s a mismatch between what’s said and what’s shown, trust the body language. For example, leaning forward a little shows interest and vice versa.
Let’s face it, dating can be exhilarating or exhausting, depending on where you are in your journey. And it's only getting more complex, shaped by a mix of ancient instincts and modern expectations.
Whatever you're looking for, understanding how the human mind works can help you put your bets foot forward and make a lasting impression.
Finally, don’t hesitate to ask for help. No matter how capable you are, there comes a point when a qualified perspective can make all the difference. If you’re planning to run a marathon, you arrange training with a qualified coach even though, technically, you're capable of running. When it comes to dating and relationships, you can enlist the same kind of help...
Feel free to contact me for more first date tips or anything about love and relationships. Let’s take the first step - together.
With best wishes,
Mila Smith
Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy
* D. Kahneman, O. Sibony, C. Sunstein, "Noise"
** D. Buss, "The Evolution of Desire"
*** D. Tennan, “You Just Don’t Understand”