Most of the time we don’t like being told what to do, especially when it comes to private matters. On the other hand, we do secretly find some rules and formulas comforting as they tend to explain the world in a structured way and, seemingly, offer an easy solution.
Take various rules around dating. How soon should you start dating after a significant breakup or a divorce? There are several popular theories, for example, a persistent belief you must wait a month for every year you were in the relationship before considering another one. But then, other people will tell you the best way to heal and get over someone is to start dating and find a distraction!
The truth is, according to research, there’s no prescribed amount of time you have to wait before dating again. It’s very individual and depends on your situation and state of mind.
You might have been in a “dead” relationship for years, so could be emotionally prepared to move on and start meeting new people. Whereas, if your previous relationship ended abruptly, you’re likely to need a lot more time to process and heal, which can be a few weeks, a few months, or for some, even a few years. The longevity guidelines don’t apply here.
So, how do you know when is a good time to start dating and consider a new relationship?
These sure signs will help you determine if you're ready to date after a breakup or a divorce:
1. You no longer feel much towards your ex
This includes both positive and negative attitudes. You may think if you hate your ex, then you’re ready to move on because you’re clearly no longer in love with them. However, hate is another strong emotion, which will also interfere with your dating journey and any future relationship. The key motivation to try and let go of your anger is your own wellbeing. Avoid getting stuck in a negative space for too long as it will affect all areas of your life, including your health.
Plus, obvious bitterness towards your ex-partner(s) is not an attractive look in the eyes of your potential dates. I heard many clients and acquaintances complain about dating men or women who just want to “rant” and berate their exes incessantly.
Conversely, are you still pining for your ex and compare everyone you meet with them? Another sign you need to work through your emotions before attempting to date again. We all have some good memories of our past relationships and can’t wipe our memory clean. Remembering those moments fondly is only natural but try to think of them as events which happened to you as an individual - not necessarily courtesy of your ex. Detach your memory from your feelings for that person.
Try this simple test: say, you may have some nice memories of a trip with your ex-partner years ago, however, can’t possibly imagine doing it with that person by your side again. Your aim is to feel neutral towards your ex no matter how good or bad your relationship was, or how it ended. There are methods and exercises to help with this, so if you are struggling, please contact me for support.
2. You can see your past objectively
Too many people skip this step because it’s very easy to find someone to blame for your past misfortunes. Some people blame themselves, most blame their ex-partner, ex in-laws etc. Try to look at all your patterns / decisions objectively and neutrally. Where did you go wrong? Did you ignore some red flags and alarming warning signs? Chose to hear / see only what you wanted to hear / see?
Or, perhaps, you were the one who was unreasonable towards your partner? This can be hard to admit, however, it doesn’t have to be a public disclosure. If you simply admit it to yourself, no one else will find out, but you will know and moderate your behaviour going forward.
Either way, forgive yourself for making mistakes and “file” the information for future use. Experience is invaluable - this is the best thing about mistakes a.k.a. life lessons. They say, doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is a definition of insanity.
Taking a critical look at your past relationship patterns will really help you minimise potential stress and find a shortcut to happiness. Please click here to read my other blogs full of useful relationship and dating advice.
3. You can identify your new relationship goals and needs
The emphasis is on “new” because your goals are likely to evolve and change throughout your life, especially following a divorce or a significant breakup. Don’t assume you’re just going to pick it up where you left it before you got involved with your previous partner.
Chances are, you also changed on your journey, depending on how long you were in a relationship. Think about your current goals, and what you want from life in general. Only then can you identify your new relationship goal (be it marriage or a more casual arrangement) and what you need from a potential partner.
Be very specific! It’s astounding how many people are oblivious to their own needs. By default, we assume we understand ourselves very well and know exactly what we need. However, we then learn the hard way and discover we might have been taken by various love and relationship myths or cliches planted in our heads by parents, mass media etc.
If you don’t understand your needs or fail to communicate them, how do you expect anyone to meet them? Please click here for our Love & Relationship A-Z guide (more under “Needs”).
4. You are ready to trust someone
According to research, the vast majority of people have a default to truth: our operating assumption is that the people we’re dealing with are honest. This is known as TDT (the Truth-Default Theory) *. Apparently, most of us are much better than chance at identifying people telling the truth, and much worse at correctly identifying liars (especially, convincing liars). This is not necessarily a weakness but just part of being human which allows social groups, communities, and civilizations to exist and develop successfully. Otherwise, we’d always be pulled apart by suspicion and doubt.
Having said that, anyone who’d been hurt in a relationship tends to have their faith in people shaken and left with general mistrust. Understandably so!
If you follow the steps above, you should now be able to see your situation in a more realistic light instead of harbouring mistrust towards all men / women.
Fortunately, the world is full of genuine single people, like you, who are ready to share, commit and trust again. Give them a chance – and you can do so in a safe manner, by being cautious and taking things slow. No one is talking about making life-changing decisions after a few weeks or months of romance!
If you feel you can be open and (gradually) share personal information with someone new, and in turn, accept the same from them, then it’s one of the reliable signs you’re ready to date again. Contact me if you need help establishing a partner’s trustworthiness.
5. You’re ready to care about someone
Undoubtedly, a relationship is a two-way street. Although you may not be in a relationship yet, dating is a path towards one, which also requires a degree of compassion and caring. Who will want to date you if you’re unapproachable, aloof and want to maintain distance no matter what?
Are you open to having someone else’s best interests at heart? Do you think you’ll be prepared to care about them? See yourselves as a couple: “we” rather than “I” known as mutuality **
Again, some distance is only reasonable to begin with, but do ask yourself if there is, potentially, room in your heart for one special person. If you’re still closed to the idea of caring about someone and sharing your life with them, try to tread carefully. Put yourself in other people’s shoes: what if they happen to be ahead of you on their journey. So, when you two fall for each other, they may be hurt by your reluctance to commit further.
You see, frustration is usually the main cause of relationship trouble: when our hopes and expectations don’t match reality. This can be pre-empted early on by having a sincere conversation. Explain your situation (for example, a traumatic divorce or concerns about your children) and the fact you may need more time to progress to the next level in a new relationship. Most people will find such honesty disarming. And if it’s too much to ask, they’ll carry on their separate way, which is only fair.
As a relationship and dating coach, I can help you assess whether you’re emotionally prepared to start dating again and work through any obstacles. Take charge of your love life today and click here to book a free confidential 30-min discovery call.
Your happiness is too important to be left to chance x
Mila Smith
Certified Relationship & Dating Coach
* Timothy R. Levine, "Duped: Truth-Default Theory and the Social Science of Lying and Deception"
** Terri L. Orbuch, PhD "Finding Love Again"