Red Flags in a Potential Partner: a Science Backed Guide To Dating Safely
- Mila
- 4 days ago
- 7 min read
Dating in the early stages can feel exciting, but also can be blinding. When emotions are high, it’s easy to miss the warning signs that predict disappointment or heartbreak.
When you search “relationship red flags” online, you get hundreds of often conflicting opinions from UK and international dating experts. Interestingly enough, women and men are likely to provide contrasting dating and relationship advice. Why does this happen?
Research supports the idea that there are biological differences in the way male and female brains develop, which can lead to certain differences in how we think, feel and process experiences. Several scientific theories offer explanations, and the resulting perception has been described as follows:
“A man is an individual in a social hierarchical order in which he is either one-up or one-down. In this world, … [men] try and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around. Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure….”
“A woman is an individual in a network of connections. In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek or give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others’ attempts to push them away. Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation…” *
No wonder sometimes it feels like men and women are at cross purposes! When it comes to choosing a potential life partner, we may even identify dissimilar red and green flags. This happens because we focus on different traits / behaviours and prioritise things in our own ways. Various social, cultural and ethnic backgrounds can also contribute to the mix.
So, how do you know which opinions you can trust - and which ones are personal biases and projection?
How do you find the right balance between a light vetting checklist and building a wall around yourself?
How to spot manipulation vs nerves?
Let's focus on universal non gender specific warning signs which apply to both same-sex and heterosexual relationships. I am a female UK relationship coach, however, the red flags I describe below are widely recognised in science as classic predictors of relationship instability and, in some cases, breakdown. If you are looking for an unbiased, research-backed perspective, you are in the right place.
Before we continue, a quick detour: assuming you’ve already reflected on what you want and need from a partner (if not, click here to read more)...
Watch out: Relationship Red Flags List
1... Your date / partner is untrustworthy
OK, everyone keeps some things to themselves, especially at the start of a relationship: you can’t expect your date to open up straight away and disclose every detail (neither should you by the way).
However, you will certainly notice chronic inconsistency signs in their stories and behaviour. Usually, when you point these out, their explanation is likely to be convoluted or overly emotional, so it creates a diversion and distracts you from the facts.
This includes strange patterns, such as:
refusal to have a video date before meeting in the early stages
"fuzziness" around availability
never answering the phone at certain times (usually evenings)
disappearing for days at a time
not keeping their promises
demonstrating a pattern of unpredictability etc.
Never doubt this: without trust, a relationship cannot develop in a healthy way.
✅ What to watch for - summary: inconsistency, evasiveness, lack of reliability.
2... Your date / partner is rude and struggles to control their temper
This seldom shows right away because most people have a certain amount of self-control, however, if you witness unreasonable displays of anger towards you or other people or even animals, it’s a sure red flag.
Always have a plan how to exit kindly from a date and follow the first date safety tips, such as meeting in a public place only.
At the start of any relationship, people tend to be on their “best behaviour,” so if they lose control even then, imagine what it could be like later, when they feel completely at ease.
I do not mean an occasional fleeting outburst, like when you’re one minute late and you find a parking ticket on your car! Honestly, most of us are under a lot of pressure, and sometimes things just get to us. In the meantime, not being able to handle a minor disagreement without resorting to shouting or swearing – is another matter.
✅ What to watch for - summary: rudeness, unprovoked anger, failure to repair after conflict.
3... Your date / partner is manipulative
Unfortunately, this is a more subtle red flag and not so easy to detect, e.g. micro dismissals in relationships. When you know your intentions and your actions are genuine, yet you feel somehow taken advantage of or constantly undermined by your partner – that’s one of the signs you’re being manipulated.
Manipulators are usually hypocrits, so when the tables are turned, you are not treated equally (but they always have an excuse). If you’re a conscientious person with good ethics and can’t stand someone labelling you “selfish”, “uncaring” or “greedy”, this trait of yours is likely to be exploited.
You become trapped in a pattern being accused of 'this or that' if you don’t give them exactly what they want, constantly seeking their approval and proving you are not 'this or that'.
✅ What to watch for - summary: controlling behaviour, belittling, always shift blame or responsibility.
4... Your date / partner is making your life worse instead of enhancing it
Sadly, bad things happen to people all the time. Sometimes when we are in an established relationship, we have to help each other through difficult times and overcome some hurdles.
However, when you’re dating and just embarking on a new adventure, and it feels like you’re being dragged into a black hole, something is not quite right...
Don’t buy into old myths: love doesn’t necessarily have to hurt; relationships aren’t supposed to feel like pulling teeth or walking on eggshells. Before you go too far to turn back, pause and assess your capacity to handle a challenge. Start by creating and practicing some gentle boundary setting messages. If that fails, think before inviting trouble into your life - can you cope?
✅ What to watch for - summary: deep trauma, unresolved personal challenges, such as addiction, mental illness, debt, toxic family.
5... You are the one displaying subtle red flags in relationships
Unexpected, right? This may sound controversial, but please make sure you’re not the one sending the wrong signals and pushing people away!
It’s always easier to blame everyone else instead of taking a look in the mirror. Being brutally honest with yourself, check if you have any unhealthy habits, such as: manipulation, game-playing, control, silencing the other, rudeness, disrespect, unfounded jealousy etc.
Do you expect your partner, magically, to make all your troubles go away? Sorry to say, in this case, you could be part of the problem. We all crave intimacy, but waiting for someone to make you happy is a fallacy.
“Happiness is an inside job, and there’s no perfect person out there who is going to rescue us from ourselves." **
Even if your new partner has the patience of a saint, such a relationship is unlikely to bring joy and security to either of you.
Could this be your past trauma and emotional baggage influencing your beliefs and behaviour today? Trauma-informed dating involves being mindful of how past experiences affect current relationship patterns. Click here to read more: 3 Ways Your Past Shapes Your Approach to Love.
✅ What to watch for - summary: put yourself in their shoes and try to see your conduct objectively; check for all the signs above.
Why These Early Dating Red Flags Matter
If you’ve experienced toxic or chaotic relationships before, you already know the cost: emotional exhaustion, wasted time and lost confidence. And if you’ve avoided those experiences - even better.
This guide will help you maintain your peace and protect your future. You have limited time, energy and emotional capacity. Don’t spend it on patterns that cannot lead to the relationship you want. Red flags don’t get better with time -but recognising them early can save you years of heartache.
There are two problems with investing your time and energy in someone who isn’t right for you.
The first is what you already know: frustration, confusion, wasted emotional effort and a loss of confidence.
But there’s a second cost - a hidden one: being with the wrong person takes you “off the market”... While you’re trying to make something work with someone who isn’t aligned with you, you may be missing the chance to meet someone who is.
Every month, every year spent in the wrong dynamic is time you are unavailable for a relationship that could actually support you, help you grow and bring you the connection you’ve been looking for.
Relationship red flags don’t just lead to unhealthy relationships - they preclude healthy ones. This is why recognising them early matters. It protects your emotional energy, your time and your future possibilities.
What to Do Next?
Don’t worry, it’s not all bleak! As long you avoid rushing into a new relationship, you'll have plenty of time to identify any early dating red flags, if they are present, and escape unscathed.
If you want a deeper, science-backed path to understanding your patterns, values alignment in dating and building a stable, lasting relationship…
Our Dating Success Framework was created for you.
Inside the video guide, you’ll learn:
how to stop repeating painful patterns
how to use compatibility science to your advantage
how to improve your vetting process
how to choose partners who make you feel safe valued and aligned
how to build a relationship that’s healthy, fulfilling and built to last and a lot more.
If you’d prefer to speak with a real person, learn more about my 1-to-1 science-backed relationship and dating coaching and don't hesitate to book a free, confidential discovery call.
With love,
Mila Smith x
Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy
* Deborah Tannen, “You Just Don’t Understand”
** Jillian Turecki, "It Begins with You"
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