Should You Google Your Date? 5 Expert Tips for Smarter Vetting, Online & Offline

Wouldn't it be easier if all people had to provide references from their previous partners, like job candidates do?! Imagine that: "4-star boyfriend, would recommend. Loyal, compassionate, great in bed. Lost 1 star for poor communication skills". Perhaps, there is a dating Checkatrade I haven't discovered yet?

I recently came across a post on social media based on an article debating whether it’s reasonable to Google your date or look them up on social media.

One can always recognise hopeless romantics who are adamant researching a date is creepy, intrusive, takes “the magic” out of it and is plain wrong.

I remember having a similar conversation with a friend who was outraged when her date viewed her LinkedIn profile and swore she would never attempt looking up a date or a potential date online as it’s unnatural, and things should develop organically.

Interestingly enough, the same friend also has the tendency to appear in floods of tears when, with frightening regularity, she discovers various “stuff” about people she’s dating which precludes furthering the relationship. Such as the fact they are already in a relationship with someone else, as an example…

There are also frequent complaints about male and female scammers and con artists who consider online dating apps a perfect hunting ground. It’s understandable: no one knows anyone; most people are lonely and keen to find love, which makes them a little vulnerable and open to potential scams.

Therefore, it would make perfect sense to do a quick safety check before letting someone into your life.

Researching a date online may be one of the more recent signs of the time. Researching a date in general is a tradition which goes back to pre-history. This is what studies have found:

“Many emerging Internet dating habits come from our deep history. […] Our forebearers researched potential partners too. In former times, however, singles had relatives and friends who easily did this research for them. Communities were close-knit, word spread, and everyone knew someone who could find out anything about anybody else. Today singles do this research by themselves.

We will see more of this Internet investigation in coming years, because we have only so much time and metabolic energy to mate and breed. False starts aren’t adaptive.” *

There it is: false starts! Whether people are planning to start a family and are therefore feeling the pressure, or hoping to find a relationship to last their lifetime following a divorce or two, more and more clients and prospects come to me asking for an effective “vetting process”. Neither their heart nor their bank balance can withstand another failure.

So, should you google your date? Here are 5 expert tips to help you:

1.    Try not to feel guilty about doing some online research when you're getting to know a person. Chances are they are doing exactly the same as we speak. These days, if you upload photos or share information online, you have to be prepared for people to access it.

Whether you reveal this to them is entirely up to you and depends on your relationship. Suffice to say, if you discover they are married with children or wanted for fraud, then you don’t have to worry about hurting their feelings ever again.

2.    It’s meant to be a safety check, not extensive digging and stalking. It’s impossible to truly understand a potential partner based on their posts and online profiles. Ensuring they are who they say they are and live whether they say they live, and not in Brazil, is a good result. Don’t expect to be able to decode their words and read their mind– you may get a false picture.

3.    If you want to research your date, don’t do it too soon (for example, before you meet). Due to the primacy effect, that first impression is the one likely to stay with you regardless of whatever information follows. If he or she is attractive and give the impression they got their act together, your brain will probably ignore the less flattering qualities clouding your judgement.

On the contrary, some people are not photogenic and don’t show off their best qualities online, so don’t cancel your date yet; give them a chance in real life – you may be pleasantly surprised. 

4.    Ask questions about things which matter to you or reveal information first to encourage your date to reciprocate. It’s remarkable how many people skip this step and fail to find out their dates’ views on a number of critical things: exclusivity in a relationship, their dating goals and their key life values.

A classic example of this is one party planning where they’ll go on holidays and which sofa they’re going to buy while the other party hits them with: “Are you mad? I never said I wanted a committed relationship!”

Click here to read my blog What Questions Should I Ask Before Committing to a Life Partner?

5.    If you’re satisfied with everything you’ve seen and heard so far and there are no signs of any red flags, time is your best ally. Be honest and open, but don’t disclose everything at once as this only leads to becoming overwhelmed – you risk pushing your date away.

Likewise, you may feel shocked and swamped if they share too much too soon. We have multiple layers, like onions, and reveal one layer at a time, so it will take a bit longer to get to the middle which contains certain personal or intimate feelings and beliefs.

I cover various dating strategies in one-to-one sessions and tailor them to your needs and situation, so if you don’t want to leave your happiness to chance, book a free confidential discovery call to find out how I can help you. 

If you’re not a fan of coaching and prefer to work independently, why not try our online dating and relationship advice course. Unlike generic dating advice, "From Single to Couple" is backed by psychology and real-life case studies.​

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Created by experts who have been in your shoes!

Best wishes,

Mila

Founder of "From Single to Couple" Relationship & Dating Consultancy

*  “Anatomy of Love” by Helen Fisher, PhD