It seems only five minutes ago we were dealing with the hustle and bustle of the festive season. Sadly, it also highlighted the sense of loss and loneliness for many divorced, separated, and single people who usually find it rather stressful and welcome the return to normality in January.
Doubtless, some of you made new year resolutions and promised yourselves to sort your “love lives” out: either get out of an unhappy relationship, or get out there and start dating smarter, with more intent, hoping to be happily coupled up by next Christmas.
However, just as you’re getting into the swing of things, there comes another seasonal hurdle: the dreaded Valentine’s Day…
You need nerves of steel to remain a happy, calm and collected single / divorcee when everywhere you go, you’re surrounded by heart-shaped chocolates, red roses, and other Valentine’s Day paraphernalia!
It appears restaurants insist on shoving Valentine’s special menus in your face. Perfume adverts have quadrupled in frequency. The whole world has conspired to remind you that you are still single amongst ecstatically happy couples…
…I have to remind some of my clients to stop worrying because, as usual, it’s all about marketing and an opportunity for various businesses to make money, not a personal attack.
No, you’re not the only single person in town, and not everyone formally in a relationship is feeling happy or settled, celebrating the most romantic holiday of the year. The idealised “over the top” expectations and social pressure can make even happy loving couples feel stressed and anxious. If you take it too seriously and aim to achieve perfection, it’s more likely to spark an argument rather than romance!
Instead of feeling like this:
...it certainly feels more like this:
Not to mention overpriced flowers and extortionate set menu dinners which you have to book weeks in advance! What if you prepay and have indigestion on the day (which is looking more and more likely due to the mounting pressure)!
If you’re dreading Valentine’s Day – you’re not the only one! Take a step back and try to find balance by following these simple but effective suggestions:
1. If there are particular triggers which send you spiralling into sadness or anger (be it a place or an object), simply avoid them for the time being. Sometimes, “flight” is the best response.
2. If avoidance isn’t working for you, take an objective look at your past relationship(s). Was it really that rosy or were you hiding your head in the sand for too long? Ask family or friends, if necessary, as they can give you honest feedback on some relationships “blind sport” which you often fail to notice. Turn past mistake into lessons!
3. Count your blessings! Being single is a phase in your life, not a curse, and each phase has its advantages. You can do whatever you like on the 14th of February instead of sweating over a perfect gift for your significant other or the excruciating cost of your celebratory dinner. This phase doesn’t have to be permanent either: if you want to find love again, you will!
4. Exercise: work out, run, cycle, anything to get your heart rate up. It’s a well-known fact, exercise causes your body to release endorphins, the chemicals in your brain which relieve pain and stress, and improve your mood. Click here for various coping strategies.
5. Finally, don’t forget to laugh:
There is nothing wrong with dining alone for a while, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re going to die alone. Remember, being in a relationship for the sake of it will never have the desired effect and will most likely, make you even more unhappy than being single.
Studies show, staying in an unhealthy relationship or a series of mediocre relationships will potentially increase your chances of becoming ill by about 35%.*
We often set ourselves unrealistic goals and get very frustrated when things don’t fall into place at a specified time. What if we forget the timeframe and focus on “how”?
I never tire of repeating: anyone can find their ideal partner and build a happy healthy relationship even though you might kiss a couple of frogs along the way. The key to success? Start by working on the most important relationship of all: your relationship with yourself. Once you've mastered that, the rest will follow.
If you think finding love and happiness is all about luck, think again. Science (in this instance, psychology, anthropology and sociology) is always here to help us deal with seemingly etheric concepts, such as love.
Using proven research backed methods to find love will not make love feel any less real or intense, but will definitely get you there sooner and save you potential heartache and frustration. If you are feeling at the end of your tether, it's time to talk: contact me today!
Good luck,
Mila Smith
Founder of “From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consultancy
P.S. If you are experiencing any relationship or dating problems, contact me to arrange a free confidential introductory session - click here to book.
* “Finding Love Again” by Terri Orbuch, PhD