I’m a Successful Man – So Why Can’t I Find the Right Woman?
If you’re reading this, you’re probably someone who has achieved a lot in life, yet when it comes to dating and relationships, things may feel… less transparent.
Perhaps attracting women isn't particularly difficult. Success may give you more choice in dating, but it doesn't necessarily make you better at choosing. The problem is finding a woman you actually want to be with - and building a relationship that is likely to last. Who needs another false start or a painful, costly divorce?
Successful, intelligent people make questionable decisions in love all the time. Such is the nature of the beast, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
I’m Mila Smith, a UK relationship and dating coach, and I’ve worked with many successful people who used to think they were “unlucky in love”. Frankly, it has very little to do with luck - something that becomes apparent once we start looking at their relationship patterns.
Would you really want to rely on fate for one of the most consequential decisions in your life (which a relationship is) or take matters into your own hands?
I work specifically with men who want a more intelligent, research-based approach to dating and relationships. Find out how I help men.
Does Your Success Make It Harder to Know Who Wants You for You?
Are women attracted to wealth and status?
Historically, resources and a partner's ability to provide and protect a family would affect a woman's and her offspring survival. Evolutionary psychology therefore offers this explanation for why resources, status, competence and security feature high in female mate preferences.
That isn't a reason to be cynical about women because men are also often influenced by evolutionary adaptations, like scanning women for signs of fertility: beauty and youthful looks. There is a persistent belief that being with an attractive younger woman adds to your status, but why? Because you and other men subconsciously value those qualities even when you don’t want children.
Our lives have changed beyond recognition, but human brains haven’t evolved nearly as quickly. Some of the instincts and responses that influence us today develop long time ago - and we can’t always shrug them off.
Another example is our evolved love of sweet and fatty food. For millions of years, it meant survival. Now, it can mean obesity and poor health because we’re surrounded by an abundance of it. However, we also have the cognitive ability to evaluate those instincts and make more balanced choices, so we're not entirely at their mercy.
We can do the same in dating!
“We are not slaves to sex roles dictated by evolution. Understanding why sexual strategies have evolved and the adaptive problems they were designed to solve provides a powerful fulcrum for changing behaviour.” *
Not all women are motivated by money: noticing success doesn’t automatically make somebody a gold-digger.
This is a good time to ask: what are you advertising about yourself?
When you lead with your supercar, house, title, expensive restaurants and holidays or financial status, those are inevitably the things people notice about you first. It’s worth considering what you are signalling when you date.
If you don’t want your money to be the primary reason a woman is interested in you, don’t make money the primary thing you use to make yourself interesting.
What is she getting to see beyond your achievements? Could be your character, humour, kindness, being a good parent, your interests or emotional maturity etc.
Your success is part of who you are, but it isn’t the whole picture.
If you want a woman to be attracted to the person behind the success, you have to give her the opportunity to meet him.
How successful does the right woman need to be?
Are you looking for someone you consider your equal, or does that not particularly matter to you? And what does equal mean specifically? Does she need to earn as much as you? Have a prestigious career? Match you intellectually? Have drive and purpose, regardless of income or status?
Someone can be highly accomplished academically without earning much. She can be intelligent without having an impressive job title. She can be wealthy, but without ambition. And she can bring value to a relationship that has very little to do with achievement. The important thing is to work out what matters to you personally.
Are You Letting Physical Attraction Override Compatibility?
I've known men who can articulate exactly what they want in a partner, and it's all balanced and logical. Then they meet an attractive, sexy woman, and suddenly everything goes out of the window. Of course, physical attraction matters, so I am not criticising you for wanting to be with a beautiful, sexy woman. However…
What are you overlooking because you're attracted to her?
We've dived into the evolutionary reasons above, which help explain how much intelligent men can turn a blind eye to when physical attraction is very strong.
Psychologists call this “the halo effect”. When someone possesses one highly desirable characteristic, we can allow it to influence how we judge their other qualities. If a woman is beautiful and charming, it's surprisingly easy to attribute other positive qualities to her even when contradictory evidence begins to appear.
Confirmation bias can reinforce this: once we've decided someone is wonderful, we're naturally inclined to notice evidence supporting that belief and ignore evidence that doesn't.
Would you tolerate the same lack of emotional stability, inconsistency, values mismatch, dishonesty, volatility or lack of reciprocity if you weren't physically attracted to her? If the answer is no, perhaps it deserves a rethink.
Recent relationship research highlights “five pillars of secure life – consistency, availability, responsiveness, reliability, and predictability, or CARRP for short.” **
Note that passionate love has a physiological foundation, and that initial intensity inevitably wears off over time, usually in under two years. Will it develop into what is known as companionate love based on deeper emotional intimacy and friendship?
Falling in love has never been the most difficult part. Building a secure, lasting relationship is a different matter, and conscious choices play a significant role. If you want to live a long, happy life, your choice of partner deserves serious thought.
Do you really have to choose between attractive and dependable?
I'm certainly not suggesting you should build a relationship with someone you don't desire. Physical attraction matters, but so does compatibility.
There is a false dichotomy: the beautiful, sexy and exciting woman who is flaky versus the kind, dependable and compatible woman you don't find attractive.
Who says you must choose? You can have both.
The key is knowing the real, science-based markers of compatibility - and no, it’s not liking the same music or sushi - and being prepared to keep looking within reason. This is where research can help us create a more intelligent vetting process, one designed to look beyond attraction and assess what actually matters for a lasting relationship.
Would you like to know what you should be looking for? Book a free confidential discovery call.
Are You Expecting One Woman to Meet 100% of Your Needs?
So, you want someone beautiful, sexually compatible, intellectually stimulating, successful, funny, adventurous, sharing your interests, a good mother, great socially, independent but available, ambitious but attentive...
Eventually, you're looking for 100%, and I am not surprised. Through complex economic and societal changes over time, people now expect more from relationships than at any other point in history.
Are you familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which suggests that our motivations evolve as our more fundamental needs are met? In relationship terms, marriage used to be largely pragmatic. It helped people satisfy many of those basic needs, but over time love moved centre stage, although gender roles remained clearly defined. Today, however, most of us are looking for what researchers call a “self-expressive marriage” - a relationship that fulfils not just one or two needs, but pretty much every level of this hierarchy. ***
Ambitious, isn't it? When it happens, it's wonderful, but the difficulty is that it's next to impossible for one person to tick every single box, and it places extraordinary demands on them.
“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all? ... Our expectations of our partners have never been so high.” ****
Does your partner need to fulfil every part of your life?
Some things genuinely belong at the heart of partner compatibility. Other needs can be fulfilled by friends, family, colleagues and your own interests.
“Are we aligned on the things that actually determine whether we can build a good life together?” This is where the vetting process comes in: helping you distinguish core compatibility from optional extras.
Try not to fall in love with someone’s potential, meaning, choose an incompatible person hoping you can change her. In the meantime, don't reject a compatible person because she isn't the final version of everything you imagine either. In a healthy relationship, romantic partners support each other's development and create new experiences together.
Feel free to contact me if you need help.
How to Make Time for Dating When You Have a Demanding Career?
When you're focused on building a successful career or your own business, making space for a relationship can be hard. You're used to putting professional goals first. Ambition and a strong work ethic are part of your values and identity, so your personal life can easily slip down the list.
However, let’s face it: your time and attention are finite. If you dedicate almost all of them to one area of your life, something else will inevitably get less. Any relationship requires time: not just to find the right person, but also to build and maintain the relationship once you do.
If this is important to you, treat it as one of your priorities. Review your diary and schedule time for dates and opportunities to meet people, just as you would schedule any other event. Sounds pragmatic, but necessary.
There is another consideration: how much you communicate with someone you're dating and how much time you spend together both fall into the category of expectations. And expectations can be miles apart. Some people want to be in touch by text several times a day and meet a few evenings a week. Others are happy with one daily interaction and perhaps meeting at the weekend. There is no right or wrong.
Rather than expecting the other person to behave in a certain way and becoming frustrated when they don’t (or vice versa), discuss your expectations early. Once you understand each other's inclinations, you can make an agreement and find a compromise. For example, even if you're busy, you can still reassure her with a quick message and let her know when you'll have more time to spend together.
What if the gap between your expectations is just too wide? That's fine, it happens - and it tells you something about your long-term compatibility. Two people can like each other and still want very different things. That's exactly why I'd encourage you to have these conversations early, before you've developed a strong attachment.
How Do You Find the Right Woman for a Long-term Relationship?
Finding the right woman isn't simply about meeting more women, although it might involve talking to a few who aren't your match along the way. It starts with understanding yourself and your past relationship patterns first because these have an annoying habit of following us into the next relationship. Then, knowing what genuinely makes someone compatible based on research and having a better way of deciding who deserves your time and emotional investment. Are you looking for qualities that contribute to a good relationship?
Only then does it make sense to think seriously about your relationship expectations. Some of our beliefs about relationships were absorbed long before we ever started dating, from our families, childhood experiences, religion or the media. It's worth asking yourself: are these genuinely your beliefs, or have you simply inherited someone else's?
Then comes dating itself: creating the right first impression, understanding how attraction works and positioning yourself to attract the right woman for you, rather than simply attracting more women.
Meeting someone amazing is only step one. Chemistry makes everything feel effortless initially, but that passion doesn't remain at the same level forever, as I explained above. Eventually, the relationship has to stand on something more substantial.
This is why I use a science-based partner-vetting process, grounded in decades of relationship research. It helps you recognise what matters, assess any relationship and make wiser decisions without turning dating into a clinical exercise.
Ready for a more intelligent approach to finding a life partner?
I work with successful men who want greater clarity in dating, a better understanding of compatibility and a more informed approach to building a lasting relationship.
Book a free, confidential discovery call to discuss your situation and see how I can help.
If you’re over 50 and returning to dating following divorce, bereavement or another major life change, you may be interested in The Next Chapter Transformation, our specialist programme for men starting a new chapter.
I provide a focused introduction to the relationship and dating principles above, while a professional stylist and image consultant helps you refresh your wardrobe, develop a style that brings out your best qualities and feel more confident in how you present yourself.
With best wishes,
Mila Smith
Founder of From Single to Couple Relationship & Dating Consultancy
* David M. Buss, The Evolution of Desire
** Amir Levine, MD, Secure
*** Eli J. Finkel, The All-or-Nothing Marriage
**** Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
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